Fire On The Water
by DoodleDumble
Summary: Life was already stressful enough for Raphael, who couldn't tell if he really belonged, or was wanted. He didn't need his little brothers to get hurt, or to suddenly be in a fight with his dad, or for Shredder to launch an assault that he partially blamed himself for. He didn't need to be suddenly coming apart and all alone, feeling like he'd touched the world and it had shattered.
1. Chapter 1

Raphael stormed into the lair.

His head was spinning, heart was racing, breathing was shallow, he was fuming and panicking at the same time. _Oh, this was all his fault._ He could still hear his other brothers running down the tunnels behind him. Splinter. He needed to be finding Splinter. He was supposed to be telling their father how he'd gotten into an argument with Leo again, and flipped their mission flop-side again, because it had caused them to be distracted from danger again, and it had ended badly, again. He prayed thanks that the extent of the damage had only been a cut into Donnie's leg, but it was still bleeding and Donnie was starting to see spots, and Leo was piggy-backing him back to the lair as quickly as he could, Mikey right behind him.

Raph saw Splinter, exiting the dojo with a surprised, anxious expression at seeing Raph stumbling in, scrambling for words. He was, still, scrambling for words. Though, it was already evident what the situation was as his brother's voices had nearly approached the lair. Splinter's expression darkened somewhat, either in anger or frustration or anxiety, understanding Raph's state and evidently, had already guessed who was behind this, too. Still fumbling, Raph felt himself go a little paler and his stomach drop as he realized his words weren't needed, or probably even welcome. It had only been a few seconds and his brothers were already rushing inside. _All his fault._

"Come on, Don, let's get you to the lab." Leo was saying, rushing in that direction, Mikey on his tail like a worried child, peering around at Donnie. Splinter and Raph quickly followed them in, where Leo set his brother down on the cot and immediately went for the gauze.

"Mikey, go bring me some bottles of water, please." He instructed, throwing open a cabinet to pull down some pill bottles at the same time that Mikey had run off. Feeling especially useless, Raph elected to stay out of the way until he was needed for something, watching worriedly, while Splinter hurried over to his son, doing a calm, quick check of vitals.

"Donatello, how are you feeling?"

Donnie didn't answer back immediately, swaying and still apparently trying to process they'd gotten into the lab already, but when he finally focused in on Splinter he gave him a weak smile. "Uh, k-kind of nauseous, Sensei."

"Yes. You will be fine, my son."

Leo kneeled down to where Donnie's leg dangled, putting pressure on the injury behind and just above his knee. "He lost some blood, but I don't think enough to be seriously threatening, Sensei. The blood flow is beginning to lighten now – I don't think his femoral artery got damaged; maybe something else close." He supplied, getting a nod from his sensei while he turned to Donnie, trying to get him to focus while he held down the absorbent padding. "Um, Don, remind me what the process is for a blood transfusion? I don't want to do it wrong..."

"Blood tr...uh...oh, yeah. You know where our supply is..." Donnie groggily started, rambling off the exact process to his older brother as coherently as he could while Mikey came running back with the water bottles. Leo gave him a smile of thanks, wiping the excess off Donnie's leg. Splinter sighed, straightening and turning to leave, giving his oldest son space to attend to Donnie's wound. Pausing at the doorway, however, he gave Raph a long, sharp look before continuing out, clearly indicating he wanted to talk outside. A sharp pang of dread and anxiety went through Raph then, unable to stop a slight tremor from entering his hands. Great. He didn't particularly want to talk to Sensei, of course – he would _really_ rather stay and make sure Donnie was ok first – but he knew he had to. Donnie didn't seem to be in any kind of especially life-threatening peril, and he knew Leo would take care of him – and besides, they could call him if they needed him. Begrudgingly, nervously, he quietly slipped out the door after Sensei while the other two focused on Donnie.

Splinter was standing several paces away from the lab, out of earshot. Swallowing dryly, Raph approached Splinter, trying to appear steady but unable to make eye contact. He desperately wanted to cross his arms over his middle in anxiety, but he knew he might get chewed out for acting so timid in such a situation – and besides, a part of him wanted to tell Splinter _exactly_ how badly he'd screwed up tonight, as guilt and worry for Donnie still churned his insides. He settled for the respectful stance their master had taught them, arms tucked against his sides, head down.

 _This was all his fault._

There was an awfully tense moment of silence before anyone spoke.

"Raphael," Splinter finally said, his name sounding booming in the quiet. "Do you have a report of tonight's events for me?"

He wasn't going to outright accuse him or deliver punishment, Raph noted. More so, Splinter demanded to know what happened, and might as well be him that he drag it out of. Raph's tremors were gone but he felt the blood drain to his toes and his whole body felt rigid, and he tried to find his voice. "Yes – h-hai, Sensei. While we were on patrol, Leo noticed some Foot soldiers in an old warehouse near the docks. While we were investigating, we realized there were lots of them, carrying out what looked like some kind of operation. Leo told us to get closer to listen and I said we needed to stop them because it looked bad, and I...w-we got into an argument. We were noticed and had to retreat, but – Donnie got pierced with one of their weapons from behind."

Raph dared to glance up at Splinter's expression, but it was so dry and unamused that he immediately looked down again, shame filling him to the brim. He dropped into a stiff bow. "I...I'm so sorry, Sensei. I take all responsibility for what happened. I never meant for Donnie to get hurt, it was all a stupid mistake of mine, it's totally my fault. Uh – please don't blame Leonardo for this. I..." He sighed, defeated. "I wish it would'a been me that took the blow for that, instead."

Splinter looked on at his son for a moment, obviously troubled. Finally, he let out a sigh, too. "Wishing does not take back what has already occurred, Raphael." He said, and Raph stared bitterly at his feet. "Stand by in case your brothers need your assistance. I am going to check on Donatello."

Splinter walked past him, and Raphael maintained the bow even after he was out of sight.

.

.

Later, the second-oldest brother sidled up to the crack in the doorway once again, watching the progress. Leo had completed the blood transfusion and Donnie was comfortably resting on the cot, leg all patched up and a tube to a fluid bag connected to his wrist for good measure. As Second-Doctor-In-Chief, Raph had to admit Leo could do a pretty good job. Mikey had gotten an extra fluffy blanket to throw over their sleeping brother, and Splinter was watching over his son while Leo was sterilizing the medical equipment. Raph sighed in relief; Donnie had gone back to a healthy color, and looked peaceful in his sleep. He really didn't think he would've been very much help if he'd tried to assist in Donnie's first aid – it really wasn't more than a two-person job, and all four of them in there would've been a bit too crowded to work. In fact, Leo had given Mikey all the oddball chores, too, like getting the water and the blanket – that was the most Raph probably could've done. He scoffed lightly, expression falling. He wondered if Leo was going to refuse to acknowledge him for the next couple lifetimes, now.

He scowled a bit. Like the jerk should. Raph wasn't the only one being argumentative and making a commotion, if he recalled correctly. If only...

Raph had just kept his mouth shut and listened to Leo, for once. Then Donnie wouldn't be hurt. Raph's face fell again with a depressed sigh, and he sank away from the door. He might as well go clean the blood trail they'd left through the subway, just in case, so they couldn't be tracked. He was sure it was the next thing Splinter would've told him to do. Grabbing the big scrub mop and a bucket of water from the utility closet, Raph plugged earbuds into his phone and left the lair.

.

.

Scrubbing the tunnel floors of the subways and sewers was, naturally, a pretty humbling task, but none that all of his brothers hadn't had to do before, at some point. It wasn't very hard, really – the floors weren't clean in the first place, he only needed to remove the signs of blood. Their only concern was covering even the slightest track to their home, in the case of the would-be enemy or government employee.

Raph listened to music on his phone while he worked, choosing to ignore the task he was doing and let his mind wander somewhere else. Like that dumb mission. And dumb Leo, and poor Donnie. He scoffed. Maybe Mikey was the only brother he had left who liked him anymore. He couldn't help admitting that he was still mad at Leo though. Of course, the situation had mostly been Raph's own fault – he'd been the one wanting to intervene into the Foot operation where Leo was trying to make it a quiet recon. But the situation had looked so urgent and dangerous, he'd thought they had no time to deliberate. The four of them knew Shredder was up to something at the moment, they just couldn't figure out what, and that's what had them all on edge – so stumbling across a warehouse of enormous containers baring unknown toxin symbols and surrounded by leagues of Foot, who were guarding them with tons of crates of normal long guns and Kraang pistols, while working on several computers that seemed to be running intricate programs, was alarming.

Leo was right to be cautious, of course, and despite himself, Raph was mad at him for that, too.

Finally cleaning up the mess well enough, he took his mop bucket and dumped it out into the runoff water beside him. He was in a familiar part of the sewers still relatively near their home, but not too far away from a lesser-known section that Raphael frequented more often, he mused.

He and his brothers knew the New York sewer system pretty well, in his opinion – at least, within reasonable distance of their home and the parts of the city they often found themselves ninja-ing out to, which was most of it for a good amount of miles. However, there were definitely parts that they had not explored, even knowing their locations. The parts of the sewers around the city that were abandoned, falling apart and unsafe made up a good many miles themselves, and the majority of it they all stayed away from – except one little section closer to their home, a tunnel system underneath the dangerous Theater District part of town. There was a large storm drain structure there that had once been used as a main access point to the larger system it connected to, especially hazardous now because of how long it had been abandoned, combined with the fact that it was enormous and floods of storm water frequently still drained through there – you could slip or be thrown off any number of the broken pipes into the largest drain tunnel and be sucked down to who-knows-where from the many tunnels connected to it.

It was the perfect hide-out spot for when he really needed some alone time. His family would never wander in there, and he made sure they didn't by disabling his phone's tracker every time he went. Raph had even designated his own dry little tunnel to himself, one especially hard to access and requiring skilled maneuvering around a few broken pipes and pathways. He considered them security traps around his safe haven – he _needed_ it to be secure, after all. He'd stolen a pack of cigarettes one time and left them there for especially hard times, when he was feeling particularly angry and rebellious, or stressed.

He considered going for a visit. It was pretty late by now – almost one in the morning. He was sure Donnie was fine; he wished he'd gone inside the lab to prove it for himself, but hadn't quite thought it would be worth the risk of drama starting with either Fearless or Master Splinter. Donnie needed his rest a lot more than listening to arguments or lectures. Also, Splinter had already had his say with him, and doubted that the long talk he suspected was brewing on top of that couldn't at least wait until tomorrow. He didn't much feel like putting up with Casey's volume at the moment, but he didn't think anybody was particularly expecting him home, either. It wouldn't be any harm. Setting the bucket and scrubber down, he headed off in that direction, deciding to pick them up on the way back.

* * *

It was almost five a.m. when he was headed back, sauntering down the abandoned subway tunnels with bucket and scrubber in hand. He had really been tempted to just stay there all night, and it _wasn't_ Leo's text asking where he was an hour ago that was pulling him back. In fact, that made him consider a little harder whether he should stay there for the night or not. But the place was cold, and anyway, he _was_ worried what Sensei would say if he were out all night like that after what happened. Though, he hadn't really meant for Leo to realize he was gone this late, either, and was kind of hoping he'd stayed out long enough for his big brother to be asleep.

Creeping up to the entrance to the lair, Raph peered inside through the darkness. Coast seemed clear. Silently, he headed for the utility closet to finally be rid of these annoying –

"Raph?"

He almost jumped out of his shell. Cursing under his breath, he uncoiled a little. Only Leo.

His older brother was getting up off the couch, briskly rubbing his eyes like he'd been asleep. Had he been waiting for him? Well, Raph hoped Leo would be too tired and disoriented to be angry, deciding to brush off all questions and try to shoo Leo off to his room.

No such luck. Actually, Raph freaked out a little at the hurried pace Leo started walking toward him. He hesitated putting the bucket and scrub mop away, holding the two between himself and oncoming danger.

"Where in the world have you been?" Leo asked, very awake now and very angry, his voice harsh even though he kept it quiet.

Raph looked off to the side, in a show of aggravation. "Nowhere special. About your bedtime, isn't it?"

" _Mine,_ that's funny, Raphael." Leo scowled darkly. "Do you want to tell me why you disappeared from the lair and took almost four hours to–" He sarcastically gestured to the cleaning equipment. " _Scrub the floors?_ "

Raph scowled. "I was cleaning the trail of blood we left behind so Shredder won't use it to find us with nanobots or bloodhounds." He acidly exaggerated, and gestured with the tools himself. "It _takes_ a while."

"Not four hours. You know we didn't even use that many tunnels to get here," Leo retaliated, seething. He seemed to be overreacting to the whole thing, irritating Raph further. "And would you mind explaining to me what reason you have for shutting your tracker down for that, too?"

Oh. Well, that explained part of it. Raph hadn't actually been caught many times before disabling his tracker, and those few other times hadn't been the most pleasant conversations, either. "Maybe to keep certain nosey know-it-alls off my back so I have space to think for a bit! How about that?" Raph shot back, matching Leo's angry scowl with his own. "I ain't allowed to have a second to myself without bein' antagonized?"

" _There is no excuse to disable your tracker!_ " Leo exploded, voice raising slightly. "I don't know how you keep turning it off, but I'm about to kick your sorry butt for it! You're going to end up in a situation where you need help, and we're not going to know where you are! You–" Suddenly pausing, Leo gave a sniff, and a bit of shock settled into the anger. "Why do you smell like cigarettes?"

Oh _SHIT._ Raph struggled to keep absolute horror from twisting his face. Out of all things he'd done and been caught doing that had pissed off his brother before, or anyone for that matter, that was _NOT_ one of them. It wasn't even that big of a deal, but if Leo knew he'd been smoking, his brother would _slaughter_ him. And then he'd step aside while Splinter slaughtered him again. And then Leo would come back and slaughter what was left. He always tried to make sure that never got found out, and was hoping his brother wouldn't notice now.

"T-those trash scumbags that were hanging around nearby, probably, if you _have_ to know!" He immediately fished. "A guy can't have a nice stroll down the Theater District once in a while?"

Leo's surprise settled back into a frustrated grimace, and Raph internally died with relief. His brother seemed to have bought it. "You were hanging around the Theater District?! This is exactly what I'm talking about! Why the heck were you even down there?! Any one person who might've happened to catch a glimpse of you could've shot you!"

"You're worried about me being shot?!" Raph asked incredulously. "We're ninja, for crying out loud, Leo! I could lay out a whole gang in a few minutes if I wanted to! And besides, Sensei _trained_ us to react to guns!"

" _Training_ won't stop any average thug who manages to get a clear shot, Raph!" Leo practically jumped at him with this exclamation, and for a second Raph especially loathed the several inches of height his older brother had over him. " _You_ might not be worried, but we can't dodge bullets! No matter how quickly or how many people you can take down, you never know who's going to have a gun, no matter where you are! It could happen in an instant, and you could be critically injured and need fast first aid and we'd have no idea where to find you!" Pausing to raise his hands in frustration, he looked like he'd be pulling out hair if he could. "You know Donnie installed those trackers so we'd stay _safe,_ right? There's no point to that if you're going to keep running off to God-knows-where without it functioning!"

"If I need help, that's what _calling_ is for, genius!" Raph fought back, raising his voice to match Leo's. He knew full well they'd been in many situations where that wasn't possible and the trackers had saved their lives, but he loathed to admit that now. "And besides, if I needed help, heaven knows I wouldn't be calling _you!_ "

"Great! That sounds like a great plan, who are you gonna call then, huh?!" Leo waved his arm in a general direction behind him. "Donnie? You'll be waiting for a while, he's still recovering from _somebody's_ decision to sick an army on us!"

There was a sudden, heavy pause. Raph glared at Leo, fighting to find words, furious, indignant, hurt deepest of all. Whether he agreed it was his fault or not, his anger spiked at the hurtful accusation Leo hadn't had trouble wielding against him. Leo, however, fell back a bit as his face suddenly fell with a mixture of horror and shock.

"Raph...No, wait. I didn't mean–"

"Don't matter," Raph cut in, getting his wits about him again quickly enough to mumble a reply. "I don't need to call Donnie, either. I'll just call Mikey – he's the only one that doesn't hate me anymore."

Leo leaned back, complete shock on his face and noticeably whiter than before, but Raph didn't care to stick around any longer. Swiftly turning away, he finally threw the stupid cleaning tools into the utility closet before briskly walking to his room.

"R...Raph, no. Wait...Raph, wait a second!" Leo called after him, but he slammed and locked his door.

He threw himself into his hammock and pulled the covers up over his head, wishing the world would go away for a little while, and vaguely, that he had a bed to hide under.

* * *

Hey, y'all, more plot bunnies :D

I'm excited for my sort of Raph-centric-esque fic. There's so much I want to do with it. I have a few headcannons that seem to differ from other turt fics generally, in case anybody seems at all OOC, being part of the reason why I wanted to do my own with Raph. Let me know what you think, I love seeing people's headcannons for the boys.

-I always thought Leo would probably be a much more adept medic than most people make him out to be. As many dangerous situations that he leads them through, as often as they get hurt and as much as he worries, it seems natural to me that Leo would have done plenty of his own medical research and tackled his own fair share of his brothers' more serious injuries. Besides, even if Donnie had a special interest for first-aid and knew more physiology and complicated procedures –which I feel like he does– the idea that they always throw the slightest need for band-aids on Donnie always seemed unusual and unnecessary to me. Also, seeing the way Donnie goes to work on their injuries, it would surprise me if they all didn't learn a thing or two.

-In a lot of Raph-centric fics, I've noticed lots of people try to make him seem super immature and randomly irritable as an excuse to make him yell about something because of his personality. While I do think Raph is definitely the most outspoken and quick to anger and I love his no-bs policy and sense of humor, and DEFINITELY admit he can be childish sometimes, I like it when you can see more clearly where he's coming from, because even if he's being overly emotional, most of the time I think Raph's thought processes can be pretty justified. I love all the brothers for different reasons, but I think as far as reasoning and emotional processing goes I can relate to Raph the most, what with caring too much about things and having a tendancy to be really angry all the time or get really upset because of that. ANGST, in other words, I'm saying me and Raph are angsty little shits, lmao.

I am working on my other fics too, but this has been on my mind for a while and I was really really happy with how the first chapter came out, so I wanted to go ahead and publish this even though it's still kind of short. Hopefully I'll get the next chapter of this out soon. Thanks everybody :D


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Please be aware I am re-rating this fic to something more restricted because of more language, large-scale gore and darker themes in this chap. Nothing too intense really, imo. If you are ok with that, then what are you waiting for? Go go go!

* * *

Ch. 2

Raph blearily opened his eyes.

Wafting in the peace between sleep and wakefulness, it was only a moment before yesterday's memories came back to him and he was buried in dread like a pile of bricks.

Grunting, he threw off the covers and checked the time. It was only seven a.m. Oh _yeezus_...two hours of sleep. But try as he might, exhausted as he was, he couldn't fall asleep again. Slowly, his thoughts drifted to Donnie; he wanted to see if his whiz kid brother was ok. The cut really hadn't been too bad, except it went a little deep for comfort and must've hit something dangerous. His mind went back to the blood transfusion Leo had done for him, too. Donnie must be exhausted today.

Resolutely getting up, he thumped to the floor and went to peek out the door to his room, hoping to avoid everyone else. Honestly, anyone other than Donnie was the last person he wanted to see right now. He'd probably come back and go to bed after he checked on him.

He crept to his brother's bedroom first, hoping he didn't still have to be on that medical lab cot, or that he hadn't woken up yesterday and decided for some inane reason to work to death on his computer, like he always seemed to. When he gave a light knock on the door and got no answer, he peeked inside, and found to his relief that Donnie was here after all, passed out asleep in a heap on his bed.

Raph grinned humorously, slipping inside and leaving the door cracked behind him. Approaching Donnie's bed, he looked down at his little brother, sprawled out in a messy, albeit comfortable-looking, position. His left knee was carefully wrapped up, showing no signs of bleeding through. On a notion, Raph put his hand on his younger brother's shoulder and gave him the lightest of shakes, eliciting sleepy mumbling and shifting from Donnie but not quite waking him up. Raph grinned – he would be fine. Grabbing Donnie's covers, he started tucking his little brother in.

His grin fell, sadness abruptly pulling at him instead. "I'm sorry, Donnie." He whispered. "I never meant to get you hurt. I promise I'll make it better. Me and Leo, we just...don't know how to listen, sometimes." Pausing, he gazed down at his little brother for a moment. "...I'm always doing this, aren't I?"

Looking on sadly, he dropped his face to the floor with a frustrated grimace before turning away, leaving the room.

He rubbed his eyes sleepily with a hand while he trudged down the hallway back to his room. Vaguely, he registered the smell of pancakes and mumbling coming from the kitchen – Mikey and Leo must be up already. He sighed, thinking of Mikey – he would love nothing more than to talk to his baby brother soon, and listen to whatever rambling was on his mind, and just spend that quiet time with his obnoxiously talkative little brother until it couldn't be clearer that he still loved him, the way Mikey always did; or else he might actually have to stop claiming Mikey as the last one who didn't hate him, after all. But he had no idea how to initiate such a thing; he felt too guilty to even go around his smallest brother. What could he really think about Donnie getting hurt, just because the two eldest had been fighting again? Just because he'd picked a fight with Leo again. He didn't know if he could face Mikey right now, too – he wouldn't be able to handle even the smallest hint of disappointment from his baby brother, on top of everything.

Maybe it was better he stayed away.

"Raphael."

That was Splinter; he was standing at the end of the hallway, having apparently noticed his son when walking by, and was watching him. He halted and ice went through his veins, feeling his remaining sleepiness flushing down the drain.

Raph glanced carefully over at Master Splinter. He didn't look angry this morning – his expression was passive, actually – but the anger he'd had on his face last night flashed through Raph's memories, and he flinched his gaze away.

"May I have a word with you?"

Raph glanced at his Sensei, worried. _"I don't want to."_ He thought, but knew there was no getting out of it. Was his Sensei going to finally berate him and tell him to get his act together? Was he here to make amends for his harsh dismissal last night? He wasn't too sure – he wasn't sure which one he dreaded more, either. He groaned internally; he wished he could sink into the floor, but just stared at it instead. Crossing his arms, he leaned against his door, a bit sunken in on himself. "Ok..."

"I just want to speak for a moment about you and your brothers' mission last night." Splinter said, sounding casual and a bit distracted. "What was the Foot lair the four of you found?"

"Oh...uh..." Raph scratched the back of his head. "We're not sure. They had a lot of weapons and computers, and something that looked to us like chemicals. We don't know what they were doing but there were a lot of Foot."

Something darkened in Splinter's face, but Raph couldn't identify its target. "I see." His master said simply, giving his long beard a few strokes, deep in thought. Raph closely examined the cracks in the floor, confused and completely not seeing where this was going. What it definitely _didn't_ sound like was an apology, and while a small part of him was relieved he wouldn't have to deal with that awkward conversation, another part clenched up in his chest. Not caring enough to try to figure it out what this was about, he looked absently to the side.

Finally, Splinter looked up, regarding Raph again. "Raphael, I understand Leonardo wanted to execute a recon mission. What was the disagreement between you two?"

Raph paused for a moment, finally turning to really look at his father, a little dumbfounded. Splinter already knew perfectly well what their fight had been about – his brief explanation that they'd gotten into another one of their stupid arguments over it was normally more than enough; and it was clear that Raph understood and was deeply hurt by the consequences. Wasn't it? Splinter's expression had not softened and his tone of voice was not the one he spoke to them with when they were upset or dealing with something frustrating that needed guidance, or a loving father – or even when he was just concerned and curious. It was distracted, demanding, and calculating. Why was Splinter acting so weird? "Well...it was really just ill-placed temper, like a lot of our arguments, Sensei." He held his gaze in unconfident confusion as Splinter met Raph's eyes, his expression suddenly looking the slightest bit sharper in the most uncomfortable way possible. Raph explained his point of view desperately, like it was something that was hard to understand. "The whole thing looked dangerous to me, Sensei. The Foot were actively carrying something out and we didn't know what it was. We know Shredder's been up to something and they've gone out and attacked people randomly so many times before, or tried to poison the city or do anything else, and I wanted to know they weren't hurting anybody. I was trying to tell Leo that last night but he...he just didn't agree, he wouldn't agree, and I didn't get why. We started fighting about it and it was stupid and childish, and Donnie got hurt."

Splinter rumbled low in understanding, casually averting his eyes again and stroking his beard. There was an awkward moment of silence then, and Raph resisted running a hand over his face in exhaustion. What was he here for? He just wanted to go back to bed and stay there all day. If Splinter was still mad at him, he understood that already. He didn't know what the point of this was supposed to be.

"I understand." Splinter finally said, and Raph looked back up at him, somewhat depressed. "Raphael, you must remember that Saki and his clan are dangerous." Raph quickly looked down again to direct the sudden pinch of agitation in his expression at the floor. "The man is not sane, and you must always approach his henchmen with caution. Please, use more effort to listen to your older brother in dangerous scenarios. I'm sure not knowing the details of the Foot's activity was precisely why Leonardo insisted against an intervention."

Raph crushed his tongue between his teeth to keep as much of the bitterness out of his face as possible, keep all the internal stinging pain at bay.

"Your younger brother Donatello cannot take the consequences for you every time you and Leonardo bicker, the way you left him to harm last night...I do not think he would fare very well under such terms, after some time. Take care not to bring any more harm to your younger siblings."

They could've heard a pin drop in the silence that followed. Raph's eyes became noticeably wider as he stared at the floor, but he couldn't hide it. Blood balled up in his middle so rapidly he thought he was going to pass out for a second. Astonishment, hurt and shock all went raging through his mind over everything else, and for a moment, he completely forgot everything other than that. As he stared at the floor in complete silence, at a loss for words, a flicker went across Splinter's expression, and he looked like he was going to add something else –

"Breakfast time!"

Surprising them both, Mikey suddenly came bounding toward the hall. He sounded as if he'd been preparing to get his remaining sleeping brothers, but hadn't noticed the two of them yet. "Donnie, rise and shine! Raaaphieeee! I made blueberry pancakes, you know they're your faaavorite! Me and...oh..." He paused for a moment, suddenly spotting Splinter. "Sensei?"

Ears lowering in what almost looked like hurt for a second – _so bizarre –_ Splinter spoke to the youngest in a low, hurried voice. "Thank you, Michelangelo. Your brother and I–"

Splinter glanced toward Raph, but he was gone, already slipped into his room.

"Raph?" Mikey's voice called in confusion, quickly followed by their father's.

"Raphael." Splinter's voice asserted through the door, his feet shuffling as he walked over to it. Another pair of footsteps rushed over, and Raph detected Leo's quiet voice, talking to Mikey in a hushed, worried-sounding tone. There was a knock on his door. "Raphael, open your door."

Raph didn't answer, his shell against the locked door in a panic, staring wide-eyed at the opposite wall with a racing heart and limbs that began to tremble. Thinking he was going to anger Splinter further, he was suddenly relieved when his Sensei let out a muffled sigh on the other side, and there seemed to be so much behind that simple, long exhale. "Do not worry about your brother, my sons." He then said, his voice fading away. "Leave him be for now...he needs some time to himself. I will speak with him later today..."

Sinking down his door, Raph put his head in his hands and silently sat that way for a while, before he overcame the shock and tears started streaming down his face against his will, instead. But he didn't know why, he didn't even understand what he was feeling – Splinter spoke almost like Raph didn't even realize Donnie had gotten hurt. No – no, more than that. Like he'd thrown Donnie in the way to shield himself – like he'd hurt him on purpose, for no reason. Like that was ok to him...as if he did that all the time. Like it didn't matter to him every single time his brothers – his _little_ brothers – got even the slightest cut, were in even the slightest bit of pain, from anything. Like _they_ didn't matter to him.

How could Splinter ever accuse him of not loving his brothers? Did he...did he seem like he didn't? Did his brothers know how much he loved them? Was...that what they thought about what happened, too?

His chest was clenching so bad and he grasped at it, dropping his head on his knees with a face full of tears and agony. He didn't move from there before drifting off again.

* * *

When Raph awoke again, it was nine o'clock. Realizing he'd gone to sleep on the floor, he moved slowly, miserably cracking joints and stretching stiff muscles. Unsteadily getting on his feet, he turned to his door, pressing his head to listen.

He heard his family distantly; Mikey's voice for sure, and maybe Leo's and Donnie's too, all talking somewhere far off. He didn't hear Master Splinter; he might be somewhere else. _Good,_ something in him thought, collapsing with relief. It didn't sound like they were training today – Splinter usually skipped it if they'd had a rough mission the previous night.

He considered staying in his room and reading comics or browsing the internet on his phone in order to avoid everybody, but he felt no interest in any of those things at the moment, and it sounded pretty boring anyway. He couldn't risk another chance encounter with Splinter, though. Maybe he could manage to slip into the garage without anyone noticing and work on the bike Donnie had been helping him find parts for. The room he used to work on the vehicle was through a door in Donnie's lab and near the subway outside, where Donnie would also periodically work on his own vehicle projects or take pieces of the Shellraiser for maintenance. His little brother had to share valuable motor parts for Raph to work on the bike, but Donnie said it would be extra helpful during missions once it was done, and besides, he seemed to even like helping Raph build it. He doubted Don was going to be doing any hard work today – but either way, the way it sounded, he seemed to be occupied by the rest of their brothers. Raph opened his door to head that way.

On the floor in front of his room was a plate of blueberry pancakes, with a cup of milk sitting beside it. Raph's face instantly fell, looking on at the meal sadly.

"Mikey." He whispered, a small, warm grin momentarily melting his expression, and tears almost threatened to well up again. Scrubbing his face, he picked up the food and closed his door with a foot. Successfully sneaking over to the garage, he made full use out of the large bolt that locked the heavy door closed.

.

Sweat, grease, nuts and bolts.

By the time Raph checked the clock again, it was one in the afternoon. He'd been working as quietly as possible, hoping to keep anyone from noticing he was in here for as long as he could avoid it, and powered through with his pancake breakfast to dodge lunch. His still didn't have all the necessary parts, but had managed to collect what he hoped were the most important ones – and with a little love and experimentation, he got the engine to come to life for the very first time. Smiling, feeling significantly less stressed than before, Raph pulled his loudly blaring headphones around his neck and put his greasy hands on his hips, feeling victorious as he looked at the powerful guts-exposed, red-handled motorbike. All but ready for action.

He was a little amazed Splinter hadn't come knocking again yet, as obviously as he'd been avoiding his father – but he didn't want to question it, in fear of bringing it upon himself. Maybe he should celebrate his newly-functioning bike with a test drive.

However, finally, inevitably, came the knock on the garage door – Raph stiffened. It sounded distinctly more like his older brother, though, and soon Leo's voice came through the door, confirming it.

"Raph?" He said, giving another tentative knock. "Is that one of Donnie's sidecars? Raph, come on, come out of there already. You can't stay in here all day."

Raph grimaced, not responding as he put some of his tools away. _"Watch me."_ He thought sarcastically – he briefly imagined doing exactly that just out of spite. He would really rather get away from the drama today, though.

Another knock came. "Raph, come on. I...I need to talk to you. And Sensei does, too. Mikey and Donnie want to see you, they're worried. Besides, you've gotta eat."

Raph's face fell, and he turned his head to the floor. He couldn't hold down the guilt over his younger brothers that festered up like a wound left untreated for too long. Even his argument with Leo from last night still gnawed at his insides – he knew he'd worried him. And he still wanted to apologize to Donnie. Not just for the injury, but for avoiding him, too. And Mikey. But he just wasn't sure how; he wasn't sure what to say to them at all anymore. He would really love nothing more than to just have Leo's presence right now, honestly – as surprised as he would be to know it. But was there really anything he could say?

Equally, though, he refused to talk to Splinter again – not any time soon. He seemed to be ending up in this situation with his father a lot, lately. He didn't know what Splinter kept going after him for. If they both already agreed he was a piece of shit, what else did they have to talk about? A twinge of deep, bitter resentment and hurt stung deep and dark in Raph. Forget him; today, he could sit and wait for his talk with his delinquent son until all the incense was burned up. He knew it was petty, and at the moment, Raph felt absolutely no need to challenge it. He didn't want to hear it.

"Raph, I..." Suddenly Leo sighed, and there was an audible _thump_ as the eldest dropped his head against the door. "I didn't mean what I said last night. I was just...I was frustrated. But it wasn't your fault, ok? It just...please, open the door, Raph."

His heart roiled with confused, horribly complicated feelings. He didn't think he'd be a great person to talk to right now, really, so maybe he shouldn't. He needed time to clear his head first. Standing in torn hesitation, he finally jerked toward the door with a frustrated huff, and dropped his own head against it.

"I'm sorry...Leo." He mumbled, drawing surprise from the other side. "For always doing stupid shit."

Turning around, he dropped his headphones and stalked back to his bike, engine roaring amidst increasingly panicky pleas from Leo, and raced out the garage's vehicle exit before his older brother could run around to stop him.

.

He was being stupid. Childish. Disrespectful, and a jerk.

He told himself these things for the rest of the day, all day, as he hid away in his secret location, doing nothing but lying on his back with his head close enough to the edge of his tunnel to look up through the large shaft at the sky, watching the clouds pass by through the grates above.

By now, the sun was setting and the sky quickly turning darker. He ignored his box of cigarettes lying feet away, and wished he could park his bike in here, to keep him company like a quiet friend. Unfortunately though, the tunnels here were far too dangerous, and Raph's tunnel itself could only be accessed by hopping up from a broken pipe sticking out in the main shaft, forcing him to leave it parked halfway into the abandoned sewer network. In the same vein of thought, he wished he'd brought his music, too, and with this came the realization a few hours ago that he hadn't brought his phone, either – like, at all. There might be several people who weren't going to be happy about that when he went back.

Whenever he went back...

He kept trying to convince himself to go home. Talk to his worried brothers, straighten things out with Don, apologize to all of them. They deserved that much. Talk to...

Splinter. Let him yell and rage for leaving the lair _again_ – because his Sensei undoubtedly knew about last night –tell him how irresponsible he was, give him a far worse punishment than the original one he'd probably had coming, because he'd up and left knowing he was in trouble. Sit there with a bowed head like a statue while Splinter finally accused him of being the anchor dragging his entire team down – whatever else he hadn't said yet. Let him rant on and on about his "reckless behavior"...to be asked why, like Splinter could never get it through to him, he couldn't do better. Why he was the only one who had to be difficult...the only one that disobeyed and frustrated Splinter and made his life difficult...why he had to be the only one that made Splinter hate him, sometimes. Maybe all the time.

Ask him why he would hurt his brothers. If he hated his brothers.

He didn't have any of the answers he thought his Sensei was looking for.

Raph did admit these conversations weren't normal between him and his father. But they'd had a few before, in the privacy of Splinter's room, when he had lectured him about his temper or his actions when Splinter seemed especially frustrated or stressed. None of them had ever escalated to the place their conversation had today, though. He didn't know what was wrong that had been putting Sensei so on edge lately, or it might just be Shredder's increased activity and he and his brothers' involvement with it – but some of these lectures were still a bit fresh in his mind.

He didn't want to see the sadness he'd caused in his littlest brother's face and the worry in the oldest's, or know how he'd deal with any lingering frustration or distrust from his immediate younger brother.

He sighed. Was interacting with his family ever going to be simple?

Actually, it was most likely just all his own problem. He scoffed a laugh to that without any humor, and decided to light a cigarette to it. Whatever the case, he ought to go back and at least apologize to his brothers.

He just needed another moment...

As the street lamps above finally caught his eye, he realized how late in the evening it was, and with a jolt remembered a passing thought from earlier that day. In light of last night's mission, it was likely Leo had been scheming a new one for tonight. They might need him.

Also, he was getting pretty hungry, and it was damn _cold_ in here.

Raph hopped up and hurried down to his bike to rush home.

.

There was a subway entrance to the topside near where he was, so he took a few tunnels on his bike until he made it up to take the easier way back. It was still a little soon to be out by Ninja Turtle Policy, but the sky's purple-blue was fading quickly and he didn't feel like being too concerned, anyway; the bulk of citizens tended to stay away from the theater district, especially later at night. As luck would have it, he just so happened to spot his brothers leaping across the rooftops at a fast, stealthy pace only he could've caught and known for what it was. Odd, he wondered – wasn't it a little early for a mission? He and Leo somehow managed to catch each others' eye at the last moment, and Raph couldn't help but admit that the look of shock that crossed his face before stopping so abruptly Mikey and Donnie clearly almost bowled him over, was pretty amusing.

Then he remembered his phone, and his face dropped – not very amusing. This was not amusing.

"Raph!" The eldest brother was rushing down to him as Raph pulled into a more well-concealed side alley. He got up and turned to face his brothers just as Leo approached him, but he was suddenly encased in unbreakable arms so tight that they took his weight off the ground, and it took him a moment to realize Leo had wrapped him in a strong, scared hug. The action took Raph so suddenly off guard that he could only rest in limp shock in the supportive embrace, gazing out at nothing as his face was squished into Leo's shoulder. His brother was warm and he was cold, and for a moment, that's all he cared about. He would have liked nothing more than to stay right there for the next few hours, break down into that shoulder and let his brothers take him home, or start sobbing right there so hard that his brothers would flip out like they never had before, and he wrestled fiercely to get a hold of himself.

"Raph, where have you _BEEN!_ Do you know how worried we've all been?!" Releasing him only out of what seemed to be Leo's own overpowering panic, he anxiously went over him like checking to make sure he wasn't hurt, looking like he was struggling with whether or not to punch him. "What on earth have you been doing?! Do you think we find it funny when you just–"

"Raphie!" Mikey suddenly yelled, running to forcefully shove in between the two and throwing his arms around Raph, Donnie coming to stand beside them with a big smile. The move was obviously supposed to be their little brother's childish, obnoxiously silly mannerisms Mikey often used against the older two's bickering, but something desperate in his expression as he snuggled against Raph's chest didn't quite hold up to that. Wrapping his arms tight around Mikey, Raph didn't care; he felt just about the same way. It had been all too long since he'd even last seen the youngest. With Leo still resting a hand on Raph's shoulder, he looked down at the smallest wistfully, bitter memories of words from the argument last night coming back to both of them.

"I'm right here, Mikey." Raph mumbled as Leo released him, sending Donnie an anxious, meaningful glance, but Donnie only grinned back, eyes full of warmth. Raph hoped his own eyes didn't look like he'd come as close to crying as he felt. "Hey. Thanks for the pancakes, Mike," He said, looking down at his little brother, smiling when Mikey peeked up at him. "Your blueberry recipe is definitely the bomb."

Mikey gave him a smile that could have warmed the sun, and huddled closer. "You know you can always count on me to whip out classics, Raphie."

Grinning down at Mikey, he quickly turned and put a hand on Donnie's arm, a fresh wave of grief hitting him again as he focused on his injured brother. "Donnie...I...I'm really sorry about your leg – about everything. Are you–"

"Raph, _don't_ even try the whole guilt-ridden thing. That's Leo's job description." Donnie smirked as their leader protested "Hey!" In the background, a spark of warmth dancing through his eyes that communicated so much more to Raph than his words did. Don't worry about it; I know there's a lot going on...we can talk about it later...it's alright. Despite his guilt, just the relief from that look washed over Raph, and he looked shamefully at the ground.

"But I..." Raph tried to continue, glancing at his brother's leg wrappings, inching up from the top of his knee pad. "No, Donnie, seriously. I shouldn't have –"

" _Yeesh!_ What did I just tell you? Really, Raph, I can only handle one Leo around here." He stated matter-of-fact like, grinning at the intense pout he sensed being directed at him from behind. Raph realized this was probably just as much light-hearted teasing at Leo for being the mother hen he'd undoubtedly become ever since the injury. Looking at Donnie in surprise, Donnie smirked knowingly, and both barely resisted breaking out into hysterics.

"...Well, fine. I guess I can understand _that_ much." He agreed, both exchanging cheesy smiles and Mikey giggling as Leo gave a forlorn sigh.

"Hey, is that your bike?" Donnie poked a finger behind Raph as Mikey finally released him, looking curious and a little awed.

"Oh – yeah. I, uh, just managed to get it in working order earlier..."

"Hey, not too shabby! Now we just need those extra computer parts for the dashboard, and exterior plates." Donnie put his hands on his hips, giving him a smile that spoke volumes of pride, and Raph made a sheepish, mischievous smile back.

" _Raph._ " Leo cut in, all seriousness again, putting a hand on his arm to pull his attention back to him. "Please – where have you been? You didn't have your phone, you know! We were all scared to death, and Splinter's been so worried. We came out early to look for you. We've been looking for thirty minutes already! _Please,_ if you would be so kind, enlighten me as to why you needed to leave like that, because I promise you if Mikey weren't here, you wouldn't have been getting hugs!"

Mikey turned to Leo with the biggest smile, and again, Raph saw the secret knowing expression behind it and barely stopped himself from chortling. "But you did hug him."

" _Not_ helping, Mikey!" Leo scowled anxiously at the youngest, only getting giggles for his frustration.

"Yeah, um..." Raph awkwardly rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, and looked to the side to avoid the piercing stare when Leo turned to him again – he knew he was already in trouble with his big brother, and avoiding it earlier _definitely_ hadn't helped him in this case, either. Also, they might've been hiding it better, but he knew his little brothers had been worried, too. He wanted to tell them he'd just been his usual idiotic self, but what Leo said reminded him of the situation with Splinter at home.

His brothers weren't only out to look for him; they were geared up for a mission, and his earlier suspicion came back to his mind. He needed to think of an excuse to keep them from thwarting their own mission or sending him home when they might need him.

"I didn't realize I'd left my phone – I'm sorry about that. Really, I swear it – I thought I had it with me, but didn't think to check until later. I didn't mean to just vanish. But actually, I..." Raph shuffled a foot, eyes glued to the ground. "I went home for a bit. Just now." Pausing, he didn't bother looking up at the surprise on his brothers' faces. "I...knew Splinter wanted to talk, so...we did. I hadn't realized you guys had gone out already until he told me, so I came lookin'."

Letting out a sigh of the utmost exasperation and high blood pressure, Leo only seemed to deflate a little, but it took a massive weight off of Raph's own shoulders. There was no knowing whether Leo accepted that or not – actually no, he was a little over a hundred percent sure his big brother did _not_ accept that – there was no acceptable excuse he could probably give other than being kidnapped by Shredder himself, actually – but at least, for now, Leo seemed to move away from Offense."...Well, I'm glad you and Splinter finally talked, at least." He said, but then shoved a finger against his chest, his face twisting with a rather maternal-like sternness. "But as soon as we get home from the mission, _we_ are having a talk, _too._ "

Raph glanced down at the accusing finger with a blink. There was a fire of real worry in Leo's eyes that clearly stated his seriousness, and one that Raphael wasn't running away from this time, either, not unless he had a death wish. His big brother was watching him like a hawk, and would undoubtedly swoop down like one if he tried anything. Deciding to ignore Leo's threat of a talk with a smirk, Raph crossed his arms. " _The mission,_ you say?"

Donnie smiled and cut in with a hand on Raph's shoulder, Mikey bouncing with excitement and Leo crossing his own arms, looking vexed. "Leave your bike here for now and come with us – we'll explain on the way."

.

So, they had been right, after all.

Raph listened carefully as Donnie went over the research and plotting the three of them had done earlier that day. After a couple hours and lots of firewall cracking, Donnie had managed to pull up enough information to point to an obvious, primary Foot stronghold in the warehouse they'd discovered. Along with several miscellaneous pieces of information about what they might've been up to that they were still trying to figure out, including tons of toxins, a huge weapons transaction, and something to do with the government – they had decided the situation was urgent enough that they needed to intervene tonight.

Raph bit his tongue to stop himself from muttering how that had been what he'd said in the first place, considering what happened that night due to the ensuing argument over it. He couldn't help being just a little upset, since if they had just worked out that decision the previous night and Leo had quit trying to _shut him down like he always did,_ they might've not had that stupid argument and Donnie wouldn't have gotten hurt. But, no one else gave the barest hint that they acknowledged that, either, which made him feel weird and raw inside.

 _"You're an idiot."_ Raph passively thought to himself, sparing his little brother a glance as they leapt the rooftops. _"I'm sure Donnie cares a lot about what me and Leo did or didn't say last night. Stop thinking of yourself, dipshit."_

It was forty-five minutes later that they finally arrived at the warehouse again, and hid invisibly in the shadows as they approached it cautiously. Leo made a hand motion and they all converged on an area on the roof, before breaking a large ventilation shaft open and silently dropping inside.

Traveling a short distance through the ventilation shaft brought them over the original room they'd found the first night, but only some boxes of guns and the computers remained. It seemed that after their cover was blown last night, the Foot had been trying to move everything, and _how_ frustrating was that, because they had _no_ idea where they were moving it to. After looking down for a moment, Leo spoke to them all quietly.

"Ok. Here's what I want to do," He started, and they all looked at him. "We still don't know what they're trying to do here. Finding that out is priority, and this looks far too dangerous to go the usual 'interrogation' route. Mikey, I want you to search the other rooms of the building and call us on your phone to tell us if you find anything – if they're hiding anything else, we need to know. Your job is _strictly_ reconnaissance, I do _not_ want you engaging with anybody. Stay in the vents and leave if you can't get close enough or it's too dangerous. Ok?"

"Right," Mikey nodded.

Leo nodded back, and turned his gaze back to the room below. "I want to see what we can find out on those computers – they're bound to have some important info in there, so I'm taking Donnie. We're going to try to find a computer in here in a discreet spot that isn't being manned, or find out how to get to one that is. Raph, I'd send you with Mikey, but I want to know if there are any other computers in this building that we'd have easier access to, and we need to move fast. I also want to know if there are any of Shredder's henchmen here, too – there's got to be someone he put in charge of this whole fiasco. Since you don't have your phone, just do a quick skim over the building and come back. If you can't find anything, I'll need you here. Same with Mikey – do not engage with anyone."

Raph nodded as well, really beating himself up now for not having his phone. Ah, well – it really was an accident. He glanced at Donnie, who was looking critically down at the computers in the room, already trying to work his way into them from where he sat.

"Alright. Remember, if anyone runs into trouble, _regroup._ Me and Donnie will be here." And with that, he made a hand sign, and the group split up, Mikey and Raph going in opposite directions.

Raph rushed silently through the vents in a way that he was sure would make the most skilled ninja master proud, and cracked a grin. Stopping occasionally to peer through the grates in the vents, he absent-mindedly searched for any other computers or mutants without a lot of expectation. If anyone was heading this thing, they'd most likely be tucked away in some corner of the main room, where the group hadn't seen them from the vents. He thought he'd more likely be of use by helping as backup with Leo, especially in that case. The more he thought about this, the more a suspicion in the back of his mind grew that the leader had just sent him off on a wild goose chase, but didn't consider it too seriously – firstly, that was stupid as hell, and Leo wasn't the type to do that kind of thing. They really would benefit from finding a separate computer, but – Raph wondered where he'd even find such a thing.

Anyway, he didn't let it bother him too much. He knew he was just imagining things and getting all worked up.

...

On the other hand, Leo didn't really need to be mad to occupy him with something trivial. He hadn't forgotten the fact that he'd been scaring his big brother – all of them, actually – pretty bad, lately. He might just be scared, and was sending him to do something relatively less dangerous to keep him safe in a corner for the moment. Besides, he didn't have his phone, and...

Wait a minute. Raph stopped his venture through the vents and paused.

Leo might not send them on wild goose chases, but backing them into safe corners and misdirecting them out of harm's way was something his three little brothers knew him to do _all_ the time. Even when Leo might need their help.

Raph turned around suddenly with an anxious scowl. _What the f –_

"Master Tiger Claw."

Raph stopped with a jerk, suddenly wide-eyed. _Who?_

Running silently to the grate over the room he was above, he looked down and was almost surprised again to see he hadn't heard wrong – there stood the large, dangerous tiger mutant, directing what looked like a supplies export – near a computer, no less; one the mutant seemed to be using.

Tiger Claw turned away from the busy Foot soldiers to answer the walkie on his hip. "Speak."

"Preparations for the hostage setup are nearly complete sir. Requesting your presence to room B."

Raph went white as a ghost.

Room B... _room B._ He remembered seeing a sign for that over a large doorway in the main room they'd split up from. Mikey...Mikey had been headed in that direction.

 _H...hostage?_

Tiger Claw only scoffed, seeming annoyed. "My presence is not needed, unless I need to teach you how to fire a gun. Just run the camera and do it. Come to me when you have the chip."

"Yes sir." Came the short reply, and Tiger Claw turned back to the activity behind him without further action.

Raph scowled in puzzled panic, running off in that direction. If one of his brothers had been caught, surely Tiger Claw would have gone to confront them himself – or at least secure their capture. It didn't sound like Mikey, and he tried to hammer that into his head and breathe again.

 _Hostage...gun._ This didn't sound good.

Pausing abruptly in the vent over the main room, he peered inside to try and find where Leo and Donnie were hiding, and once spotting a box out of place, noticed the two discreetly hidden in the shadows under the only metal staircase in the room, behind stacks of boxes and apparently working out how to get to the computer near them. He was supposed to tell Leo what he'd found, but –

He shook his head and kept going, a mix of confliction, frustration and intense worry forming into a tight ball in his gut. Leo didn't know the danger – he might not have time to tell him. Besides, he could intervene in a hostage situation himself – and would take more risks to do it than Leo might let him right now. He didn't need to be coddled.

Finally closing the distance to room B, he searched desperately for Mikey and felt something deep inside him sinking at not finding him in the vents. _"Leo told you to stay in the vents."_ He thought, sliding to a grate and frantically scanning the room.

 _Jesus._

There sure was a hostage situation, alright – they had _20_ hostages, each blindfolded and tied to a chair in a neat row in the middle of the cluttered room, a single light overhead shining down on the center and concealing the rest of the room from the camera sitting on the pedestal before them. Foot crawled about the place, finishing up the setting and some yanking on the victim's bindings to "secure" them, but more likely to torture the terrified people. The scene was utterly horrifying, put plainly; they all looked like innocent citizens.

Raph's face slowly scrunched in panic, eyes darting about the room. _What was the meaning of this?_

Finally, like a stone dropping in his gut, he found Mikey, hiding behind a pile of weapons boxes in front of the line of hostages – he was _way_ too close, phone in one hand – though he wasn't talking into it – and drawn nunchuck in the other.

Oh _hell_ no. Raph dropped into the room silent and invisible as a shadow, and crept up to Mikey so quickly the youngest jumped a little.

" _Raph!_ Geez!" Mikey whispered, reeling around when Raph grabbed his shoulder, and Raph took hold of his other one.

"Mind tellin' me _what_ in God's name you're conniving to do over here?" Raph angrily scowled, unfazed and unbudging from the younger's attempt to squirm free.

Mikey gave him a frustrated pout in retaliation. "Raph, you don't gotta pin me down. They have hostages. They've got this huge gun lined up at their heads and a camera to record it. _Look!_ "

Pointing at the wall to their left, Raph held his tongue against the angry words that wanted to come out and turned his gaze in that direction, suddenly noticing it for the first time – the long, intricate and immediately-unrecognizable machinery in the floor, holding up the long barrel of some kind of gun that was probably more closely related to a cannon. It looked like the gun on top of tanks.

Wide-eyed, Raph surveyed the scene once more. Foot were at the controls of this huge gun and the ones around the hostages suddenly moved out of the way. One of the two soldiers near the camera walked in front of it, and after the other turned it on, he began to speak.

"People of America, Office of the United States, the Foot Clan comes to you with a warning." He walked to some of the hostages, a middle-aged woman, who began screaming when he grabbed her by the hair. Ripping off the tape over her eyes, he smacked her across the face to silence her screaming, and the woman bit her lips and began crying as he continued to speak, camera going down the line of people. "We demand the surrender of your power and weapons of warfare to us. We have taken twenty hostages this time, and next time, it will be fifty..."

As he continued to speak, threatening the U.S. office with their vast collection of weapons and chemicals, Mikey and Raph stared, unable to believe their ears. The Foot...Shredder, was...threatening the government. For control over their resources? What in God's name was that lunatic attempting now? Shredder couldn't be in control of this. Was he? Mikey and Raph looked at each other in disbelief.

"I was trying to figure out how to get them free without drowning in Foot or being made into Swiss cheese. I wanted to call Leo, but there's no time," Mikey said, and suddenly went paler. Mumbles from the citizens hopelessly pleading for their lives as the Foot soldier talked loudly could be heard distantly. "Raph, they were talking about it. This isn't ransom, it's an execution. They're gonna do it."

Raph snapped his head back to the scene in front of them, mind racing. They could just jump in and stop it – they needed to jump in and stop it – but there was a huge gun pointed at all of them from across the room. And who knew what else these guys were armed with, now! And the camera, they would have to take it out first –

"...An example of our power." The Foot suddenly finished, and moved out of the way. The people started crying louder as the huge gun suddenly started revving up.

Raph whipped back around to Mikey, both brothers panicking. "Mike, take out the camera. I'm going for the gun. _Go!_ "

Leaping out with a sudden burst like he'd been preparing for it all his life, Mikey threw a shuriken at the camera, and didn't hesitate to knock flat several Foot soldiers on his way down. The soldier at the camera deflected the shuriken at the last moment, but a solid impact with Mikey sent the thing clattering across the floor to some dark corner of the room. Barreling through the crowd of Foot soldiers like a train, Raph made his way for the gun, with the sudden horrible realization he'd been right – these Foot were _heavily_ armed. Bullets flew through the air like rain, and Raph wondered that the only reason he wasn't filled with holes immediately was that the chaos from the crowd of Foot caused most to shoot erratically, and the ones who were close were getting beaten down or had to defend themselves too quickly. He kept a constant, terrified eye on Mikey, though, praying he had the same situation. As Foot poured in around him, he suddenly wasn't sure he'd make it in time.

"Mikey," He called back, as loud as he could, to where his little brother was desperately fighting Foot soldiers to get to and free the citizens. "MOVE!"

He turned from the younger's horribly torn face to put as much energy as possible into reaching the Foot at the gun controls. The gun was about to fire. He had to – _he had to –_

Throwing his sai, he impaled the hand of the soldier at the controls, and the man screamed in pain, reeling backwards as the ones around him ducked away from incoming danger. With the sai lodged in the controls, the barrel of the gun reeled up as well, just as it went off.

 _BOOM!_

The sound rattled his whole body, and his hearing disappeared for a moment as the world erupted around him in an earthquake. All at once, every single gun in the room exploded, in use or not, and the crates of weapons erupted into a massive display of flames that began licking at the building instantly. Everyone in the room was knocked off their feet and half the place caved in as the ceiling partially collapsed, and dust and debris flew everywhere. Through the chaos, a small, sudden realization clicked in the back of Raph's mind.

This seemed like some kind of rail gun.

" _Mikey!_ " Raph was shouting before he could hear again, before he knew where he was, before he could see again. His heart started racing too fast to get a grasp on any of these things. No no no no. " _Mikey, where are you!_ "

The hostages, miraculously, had survived, the ceiling having not collapsed over them. Suddenly, through the smoke, he saw that orange headband – his little brother bounded toward him, saying something he couldn't hear, but that didn't matter. He grabbed Mikey up in his arms and crushed him in the tightest hug he could as Mikey threw his arms around him and buried himself in the embrace, swearing he'd never let his baby brother go again.

Unfortunately, it was all too soon that he had to. His hearing began returning with a ringing, and as Mikey looked about the room, he registered his little brother pleading with him. "Raph, Raph, the hostages. We have to free them while the Foot are down,"

Taking in a shaky breath, Raph rushed with Mikey over to the woman whom the Foot had hassled earlier, and went at the ropes behind the chair as Mikey handled the front and tried to calm her down. The blast to the ceiling had completely taken out the one light that had been there, so it was too dark for the woman to see him clearly. Raph was fairly sure all the fighting had been too much commotion to make them out clearly then, either.

"It's ok, it's ok. We'll get you out of here, you're gonna be fine." Mikey consoled soothingly, ripping up the woman's bindings with his kusarigama blade. The woman peered through the darkness at him with wide, teary eyes and grateful, shaky nods of the head, clearly understanding. Just as Raph tried to slice through the last rope, he was suddenly grabbed from behind and thrown. Managing to land in a skidding halt on his feet, he looked up with an angry scowl to the face of a Foot.

"Raph!" Mikey cried.

"I'm ok, Mikey!" Raph yelled back, fighting the re-emerging Foot. "Keep going!"

Wide-eyed, Mikey turned back to hack through the last of the woman's ropes, and without much prompting from Mikey, she took off through the door, and Raph side-tackled the only Foot that tried to go after her. Just as Mikey moved on to the next person, he was attacked by Foot too, and tried to fight through them. Raph scowled; why did there have to be so many of these guys –

In sudden horror, he heard the gun begin revving up again. Snapping his head in fury and disbelief to the controls, one Foot had remained up there while the others had gone in to fight the two of them, and had re-aligned it with the hostages.

Seeing this, Mikey threw the Foot soldier off of himself at the expense of a slice to his arm, and kicked the guy across the room to get to the next hostage, madly trying to free him.

"Mikey!" Raph shouted, thrashing against a crowd of Foot, suddenly panicking. "Mikey, _NO!_ "

Mikey spared him the briefest, panic-stricken look of despair, tears forming in his eyes, as he ripped away at the man's ropes, the process all too slow.

" _MIKEY, MOVE OUTTA THE WAY, MOVE, MOVE!"_ Raph cried, Foot dropping like flies around him. The gun was ready to fire. Finally, _finally,_ he reached his baby brother and grabbed him tight around the waist, hauling him off with all his strength and diving towards cover, the air around them felt like static –

 _BOOM!_

The deafening explosion echoed through the air and both brothers cried out as Raph landed behind the stacks of burning crates, an instant before they shattered.

Again, for a moment, sound vanished. Raph's head pounded and his ears rang as he tried to catch his breath again. The stack of boxes he'd dove behind was now a large pile of rubble. He looked down at Mikey, who looked back up at him with the same wide-eyed, pale shock on his face, and for a brief moment, Raph dropped his head to Mikey's, all but breaking down in tears right there, and Mikey returned the gesture with a nuzzle. Rapidly, as both were overcome with a dry, horribly sick sensation, they both looked back at the hostages in terror –

They were...gone?

The chairs had vanished, too. What...there was...so much red – no, no, _wait, they're not gone_ –

Jerking, Raph turned away from the scene, pulling his little brother back down behind the rubble with him, shaking. Mikey started trembling, too, and grabbed hold of Raph's arms, horror on his face, trying to ask something, but Raph couldn't hear or understand him, and Mikey didn't seem to understand what he was trying to say, either – Raph shook his head rapidly, stilling the younger's words as he pulled him close, tears welling over as Mikey broke down. He buried his little brother into his shoulder, holding the back of his head with a trembling hand as he closed around the youngest, rocking him in horror and despair.

" _Why?"_ He thought, crying with Mikey, and the thought was the only thing his brain could muster. _"Why? No, no no no no. Why, oh God why..."_

Opening his eyes, they suddenly went wider when he caught a glimpse of their legs. Mikey had been hurt, and he had, too.

They hadn't noticed until now? That meant...no, no time to think about it. Keep moving. Don't think about it too hard...don't start caving.

They needed to move somewhere safe. They _needed_ Leo and Donnie.

"Mikey." He suddenly said, sound slowly returning to him in a roar. No Foot had immediately come after them, so he could only assume the violent blast had thrown them all, too. The wall of the building opposite of the shot had completely collapsed, exposing the next room, and another large portion of the ceiling had, too – _geez._ He swiftly moved to pick his little brother up, but Mikey hesitated, anxious and confused. "'Common, Mikey, we gotta go."

"Raph," Fresh tears ran down Mikey's face, Raph just barely registering his panicked voice. Mikey grabbed Raph's hand in his trembling own, and his voice broke. "The people, Raph, the people."

Raph's breath hitched, grimacing in despair before looking on at the younger. "I know, Mikey. I know," He said, his own voice breaking, and he pressed the younger's forehead to his, neither able to stop the tears running down their faces. "There's nothing we can do. It's not safe here, we're hurt. Come on, let's go."

Mikey looked at him in surprise, glancing down at both of them just as Raph picked him up and quickly started leaving the area, but didn't resist this time. Raph entered the shadows and jumped up the crumbled wall to a blasted-open portion of the ceiling vents, but paused, looking out at the remaining Foot soldiers. A few had gone off in pursuit of the fight with the other two brothers, but the rest – that hadn't been buried in debris – were barely conscious, and many seemed to have injuries of their own that neither Raph or Mikey had inflicted.

 _"Shit."_ Raph scowled darkly. _"Didn't they know how powerful their own gun was?"_

It was just as he turned to enter the ventilation shaft that they heard Leo's voice ring through the building, and despite themselves, both brothers felt a huge wave of relief and anxiety to be near the other two.

"It sounds like they're still fighting in the next room," Mikey said, trying to wiggle free. "We have to go to them! They need our–" Cutting off with a yelp, Mikey winced, almost collapsing as he just fought loose of Raph's support – which starting to weaken, Raph realized with frustration – but his big brother swept him up again.

"Mikey, listen to me," Raph suddenly got down on the ground, wrapping around his panicking brother so he could take his face in both still-shaky hands. Looking into his little brother's big, terrified blue eyes with his own, fighting for his life against it, Mikey stopped resisting. "The battle is over." He said, his voice low and unsteady. "The Foot have shown a bunch of new playing cards tonight. It's far too dangerous to stay now, and we're hurt; we've all gotta retreat and figure out what to do. _The Foot have won._ We have to get to Leo and Donnie safely, and _get out._ "

Trembling, Mikey squeezed his eyes shut and let go of the nunchuck he'd been tightly clenching in one hand, clasping his injured leg. A small, rapid nod of his head was all Raph waited for before hoisting him back up again to prepare to jump into the ventilation shaft. He didn't think his leg was quite as bad as Mikey's, since he still seemed to be able to walk, so he had to –

An enormous, metallic grating sound that jarred his ears brought him to an abrupt halt, both he and Mikey peering back to look for the source of the sound. That _damn_ gun again – they were _moving it –_

"What're they doing?!" Mikey asked, watching anxiously as the large machine slowly rotated in place toward the wall to the right, though no Foot manning the thing could be seen this time.

"They're changing targets," Raph mumbled in disbelief, staring in wide-eyed horror before suddenly throwing Mikey on his shell and bolting in the direction of the remaining two brothers. No – no, he couldn't deal with this a third time. "They're gonna fire through the wall at Donnie and Leo! There's no time to take the safe route. We gotta get'em out of the way!"

He made a mad dash for the next room. They still had time. They just had to – oh _geez._ There were SO many soldiers in here, pouring in around the other two and trying to sneak into any opening in their fight with Tiger Claw – who must've noticed the intruders after his and Mikey's interruption of the hostage operation, and bullets whizzed through the air similarly to his and Mikey's previous situation. Leo was hanging onto the fraying threads of a desperate strategy formation with Donnie, climbed onto the highest platform – the staircase – with their backs to the wall, the powerful mutant bearing down on them and as many Foot soldiers as would fit. Raph scoffed to himself as he drew a sai, keeping Mikey secure with his other arm, wondering how he was gonna get up there in time. He glanced at Mikey, whom he realized had both nunchucks drawn, and gave Raph a cursory glance – his little brother's message was clear; _just go, and hurry._ He didn't need to tell Raph twice. Scowling, older bulldozing ahead and younger defending his back and taking them out from behind, the duo violently smashed through the crowd as quickly as possible.

Some retreating from the pair and the rest realizing the imminent danger standing in the line of fire, Foot cleared especially easily and Raph managed to get close to the other two in no time. Noticing the pair out of the corner of his eye, Leo just stopped himself from calling to the two before Raph came crashing into Tiger Claw's back, sending him smashing into the wall.

"Raph, Mikey! What the hell happened?! Are you two ok?!" Leo asked, he and Donnie sending the pair terrified looks as they immediately closed around them, Raph wheezing on the floor and Mikey finally off his back, pushing himself up. Hearing Leo curse rarely ever happened, but if there were any situation that it was appropriate, it was this one. Suddenly, though, Raph was up again, shoving Leo into Donnie, with Mikey trying to help with absolute horror on his face and tears in his clenched eyes.

"The Foot built a rail gun. They're aiming it this way. Move!"

"What?!" Leo swung his head at the wall opposite of the room where the loud noise of a machine powering up roared through, and at this outburst, Tigerclaw did, too.

"Idiots!" He shouted, leaping away to scramble for cover. Scowling darkly, Leo whipped out to grab Donnie's wrist and dove at the other two shoulder-first with a force that felt like a train, and Raph had just enough wits about him to get a better hold on Mikey as they fell over the side of the platform –

Sound exploded all around them, and everything went black.

.

Blearily blinking his eyes open, Raph came back to consciousness with a sensation like bricks in his head.

Groaning, he tested all his limbs just to make sure they were still there. The way everything hurt, they clearly were. Oh, God...he couldn't keep doing this. How long had he been out? Recollections suddenly came back to him like punches to the chest, one after the other – _Leo, Donnie Mikey._ He forced himself to flip onto his stomach and looked around for them.

He must've only blacked out for a few seconds. The three of them were sprawled out a few feet away from him, slowly coming back to consciousness as well – they seemed ok, for the most part. The gun blast had shattered the wall behind them and with all the walls being blasted down, half the burning building had caved this time, but thankfully they hadn't been buried – just nearly. As Raph dragged himself to his brothers, he became increasingly aware of the Foot activity around him – they were scrambling to load the last of the chemical materials up and several trucks had already peeled off, ignoring their enemies and their own wounded and un-moving soldiers. Tiger Claw was nowhere to be seen, presumably deciding to prioritize the evacuation of their supplies, as approaching sirens could be heard in the distance.

Raph scowled, collapsing inside. _Everything has gone so wrong._

"Guys," He rasped, reaching a groaning Mikey and Donnie as they rubbed their heads, laying on the ground a couple feet from the oldest. Mikey looked like he was having an especially hard time like Raph, and he checked on his baby brother while helping Don sit up. Leo rolled, letting out a low, grating sound that could've been pain or a growl, before suddenly jerking and scrambling to the other three.

" _Is everyone ok?_ " He asked almost breathlessly, crouching over them on his knees with extended arms and the only steely blue eyes that could ever look like they were alight with fire.

"Ok," Mikey and Donnie weakly confirmed, and Raph nodded the same, looking away.

Relieved after seeing for himself that none of them were too badly injured, Leo wrapped his arms around all three of them and squeezed them tight, burying his head in between theirs. Again, for the second time that day, Raph wished he could break down into his shoulder and just go home with his brothers. Sighing, Leo released them and turned to look at the crumbled wall before the rest of the room. "God." He kicked a small piece of rubble away from their group, as if its presence wasn't welcome, a frustrated and coldly calculating expression on his face as he processed the situation, no doubt making the same observations Raph had.

Leo turned back to the three and opened his mouth to say something, when a loud _boom_ from the direction of the rail gun caused all four to jump, Leo anxiously darting in front of the group with arms shielding them. Mikey dove into Raph's arms and they held onto each other and watched in horror, the other two anxiously skootching closer. They stared in its direction as it moved again, the floor underneath it suddenly crumbling away as a mechanism under the gun rose from the ground, and with a start they realized the gun was attached to an enormous tank-like vehicle, but five times as large. Stabilizing legs from the machine unlatched from behind it, and with a surprising amount of speed it climbed onto land and headed for the water.

"The sirens are getting closer," Donnie said nervously, snapping their attention back to their own surroundings.

"Right." Leo looked them all over. "We need to go. Can everyone stand?"

Everyone nodded in response as they helped each other to their feet, Donnie throwing Mikey's arm over his shoulders before they took off through the collapsed ceiling to buildings nearby. Pausing, Leo looked out at the edge of the water where the large tank-like vehicle was headed, and the other three stopped to watch with him. After ejecting two metallic navigation fins on either side of the machine and several panels revealing an underwater motor on the back, the tank submerged and took off to who-knew-where.

A chill went up Raph's spine, and the feeling seemed to be shared with all his brothers. That thing was on the loose.

As the last Foot soldiers disappeared and the first police cars showed up, Leo turned. His face was stony, but everyone knew the dark expression that lurked just beneath the surface. "Come on, let's go. We need to find a safe spot to patch you two up before we get home. Raph, let me carry you."

Starting, Raph looked down at himself, as if suddenly remembering he was injured. He still didn't feel pain from his leg, but it was bleeding profusely. Not bothering to resist, he let Leo hoist him up and tried his best not to look back as they jumped away.

.

It was several blocks away, in the shadow of a fire escape on the side of an abandoned building that Leo stopped.

When he picked out the location and stopped there, everyone proceeded with first-aid in silence. Donnie put Mikey down to examine his leg – apparently not finding it too bad, because he simply started wrapping it up with some of his leg's cloth wrappings after briefly looking it over, before doing the same for the long cut in his arm – while Leo looked at Raph's, the other two constantly darting glances at him.

Raph didn't know why Leo was taking such care. He was bleeding just like Mikey was, and he was the one who'd been walking; he couldn't be so bad. He stared at the opposite building in silence as Leo swiftly removed lots of his own arm wrappings, scowling in what Raph couldn't tell to be worry, anger or fear while blotting Raph's leg to see the injury better. He examined Raph's wound a little longer than Donnie had with Mikey's, before taking more wrappings from Raph's legs to secure the wad of cloth snuggly against it.

Donnie finished wrapping Mikey's leg before Leo did and the silence was thick as the eldest worked away, grunting with that mysterious, intense scowl on his face, and Raph didn't dare say anything. He didn't want to say anything. He continued staring at the next building, rigid. Although, his leg sure was starting to hurt quite a bit more since Leo began tending to it.

Finally, the oldest turtle finished, but still, nobody moved. Hands on his knees and head down, the eldest churned for a moment while the others waited, each one with different emotions in their face.

"What took you both so long?!" Leo finally barked out, head still down, but gritting his teeth and gripping his knees tightly. But still, Raph couldn't tell what was going through the oldest's head. Instead of responding, he waited for Leo to continue and clarify.

"The Foot...they were firing a _rail gun_ at both of you!" Suddenly, finally looking up at his little brothers, Leo's angry scowl was riddled with terror, and his voice incredibly emotional. "Why didn't both of you call me?! Why didn't you _come back to us?!_ "

All three looking at Leo worriedly, Raph and Mikey briefly glanced at each other before dropping their heads, faces torn up, and turned to Leo again. Raph felt like he was being stabbed by a thousand needles inside.

"Leo," He started, his voice unsteady and raw. "I'm sorry. Me and Mikey found something where we couldn't afford to hesitate. We had no time."

Leo's eyes turned in on Raph's, and instantly the younger brother felt like they were directing fire at him. "I sent you in a different direction from Mikey!" Suddenly, anger showed through much more clearly in the complex scowl. "I told you both to _not engage!_ I told you both to _COME BACK!_ What happened?! If you both found something suspicious and followed it, you should have CALLED ME IMMEDIATELY! If the Foot had a rail gun, and you both were attacked, you should have _CALLED ME YESTERDAY!_ What the _FUCK_ happened?!"

Raph ducked his head and clenched his teeth. What _did_ happen? Everything had gone so horribly wrong, and now his baby brother was sitting next to him in this dark alley with a blast wound to the leg. He was so exhausted. He wished they didn't have to be here, that they could all just be home instead, like any average day, not dealing with any government take-over conspiracies or Foot schemes or horrible, un-seeable homicide tragedies, wishing his brothers weren't looking at each other with deep eyes full of hurt and failure, or that he could still hear people's cries for help in his head; that they were safe and buried on the couch together, hidden away from the world. Wishing today never happened.

He scrunched his eyes tighter as tears tried to spill over, head pounding with a fast-coming headache, and covered his face with trembling, straining hands.

 _Innocent people, wailing in fear. The trembling man Mikey tried to free. A red room._

"They...they weren't firing at us. Not at first. Leo, they...they had...they've done something terrible. What have they done..."

He didn't understand the flips his emotions were doing, but devastation washed over him at the thought of the hostages with such force that his throat closed up too much to say it. _God._ His voice involuntarily hiccupped with a sob, and he couldn't stop the tears that slipped free through his shaky fingers. _God, why?_ The expressions on Donnie's and Leo's faces started melting into shock as Mikey suddenly buried his face in his hands, too, trembling terribly in silent sobs, and Raph wished he could hold him.

"We couldn't stop it," Raph choked out, his voice sounding and feeling like shattered glass. "We tried so hard, but there were too many. W-we couldn't stop them..." He curled further to the ground in devastation, remembering them all. Remembering the room –

His train of thought was cut off when Mikey suddenly dove into his arms, finally letting loose wails of such horror and devastation that what was left of the other three's composure went spiraling out of control. Raph held tight onto Mikey, burying his face in his shoulder and breaking down into sobs. He knew the other two still had no idea what had happened, but the pale-faced horror and panic on their faces assured they understood the weight of it, and worry was the only thing visible through their terror. Leo looked up at the sky, putting hands over his face and letting out a shaky sigh, while Donnie came over and wrapped his arms around the two. After a moment, Leo gathered them all up and squeezed them tight, too, nuzzling against Mikey and Raph to try to calm them down. After staying like that for a while, Leo nudged for them to stand so they could continue home, but Donnie and Leo hardly let the other two's feet touch the ground before lifting them up, the oldest's face grim as he lead the way home in gritty silence. Raph hated seeing his big brother like that, going down the long spiral of terribly worry, frustration and self-deprecation, but Raph was at his limit; he'd done all he could manage right now.

Now he had to figure out what to do when they got home.

* * *

It was just beginning to rain and only closing in on midnight when they got back to the lair. Donnie and Leo dropped Mikey and Raph off on the couch before Donnie rushed to the lab for medical supplies and Leo hurried to tell Splinter they were back, but he met the oldest halfway, running out when he heard them come in.

"My sons, is everyone –" He started, before laying eyes on the injured two, and he stopped. "Raphael! Michelangelo! What has happened? Raphael, where have you been?"

He looked terribly surprised and worried, and it irked Raph in the weirdest guilty, but bitter, way.

Leo only looked at Splinter with wide eyes, before turning them to Raph. "I thought you said you came and talked to Sensei?"

Raph stood up from the couch, holding Splinter's gaze. "They found me on their way to the mission, Sensei. I didn't follow orders and Mikey and I were injured."

Nobody said anything for a moment, and Donnie soon came rushing back, pausing as well when he caught air of the situation. Leo's face melted into owl-eyed, concerned confusion, and the other two looked on practically the same way. Raph and Splinter continued the staring match as one of Splinter's eyes made the smallest twitch, a fire of anger and a hundred other emotions suddenly entering his face so rapidly that Raph felt his defensive instincts shoot up like a wall, and bitter anger flaring up after it in offense.

Finally, Leo stopped watching the two and took a few quick steps forward. "Sensei, please – let me explain. Things didn't go quite as planned –"

"No!" Splinter suddenly shouted, never breaking his gaze with Raph as he strode forward, and their father forcefully pushing Leo aside was the only thing that could've made their big brother's eyes go wider. Raph took a few rapid steps back at the same time, until they were several paces behind the couch. "I want the story from Raphael! You are the one who disrupted the mission, then _you_ will tell me, son! I demand a full explanation at once, report! _Isoge shite!_ "

The other three watched the pair with astonished, bewildered faces like watching a car wreck before their eyes and not being able to do anything about it. Raph glared back, anger, hurt, fear and bitterness boiling in the pit of his gut. He had no energy to do this now, physical or emotional, and his patience was just as low. _You wanna yell and blame and hate me so much, dad?_ He thought. _Then take this and fucking do it. Take it, and then we both will; then don't ever talk to me again._ Squaring his shoulders, his acid green eyes fought with his father's glare, and he bit out his words with a force that matched them.

"I ran away from the lair earlier this afternoon because I didn't wanna talk to anyone, especially you. I forgot my phone. The three of them found me earlier this evening when they were out looking for me and I lied to them to get them to let me come on the mission. When we got there Leo sent me and Mikey on recon, but even though I found Tiger Claw and a computer Leo was looking for, I directly disobeyed his orders and turned back without telling him. I went looking for Mikey and found him near a Foot operation involving twenty hostages they planned to use for a filmed execution."

There was a beat of dead silence and Leo and Donnie noticeably blanched. Mikey's face filled with worry and something sharp and abrasive as he stared intensely at his older brother, and Raph only didn't look away to search the meaning in his face because he didn't want to look at any of them. The intensity of Splinter's expression was unreadable. Suddenly, however, their father lashed his arm out in the direction of the other three, rage suddenly replacing everything in his features.

" _Out! Dojo! Now!_ " He commanded loudly, all three flinching in fear. They only hesitated when Leo raised a desperate hand.

" _Sensei_ –"

" _NOW, LEONARDO! YOU DARE QUESTION ME, AWAY WITH YOU! ALL OF YOU!_ " Splinter roared. Leo sucked in a sharp breath and quickly withdrew his hand, glancing at Raph with a lightning in his eyes that made Raph pause – his brother was clearly intimidated by Splinter's strangely aggressive command, but his eyes looked fiercely protective as he looked at Raph, _mutinous_ – just a moment before crowding Donnie and Mikey away with his arms and ushering them all off to the dojo, pushing Donnie when he looked back and trying to hush Mikey when he started protesting. The sliding dojo door shut with a _snap,_ and Raph and Splinter turned back to each other, the rat enraged. He took in a long breath and let it out, but the action only seemed to release more of his fury, fists trembling at his sides.

" _Hanasu!_ Explain yourself!" He ground out, and Raph scowled.

"When I reached Mikey, he didn't know whether to call Leo or not because of the time restraint, but I lead him into danger in an assault on the Foot in order to save the hostages, despite our enemies being heavily armed with firearms and incredible odds against us. The Foot fired a rail gun at us twice and we were unsuccessful in saving all but one of the hostages, and I directly caused Mikey harm with a wound to the leg, after he was almost buried when the room collapsed around us. My disobedient disruption of the Foot operation made our presence known to the rest of the facility as well, and Leo and Donnie were attacked by Tiger Claw and leagues of Foot without backup, before they fired the rail gun at them, too. Half the building fell and it's a miracle we got out as lucky as we did. The mission was a complete failure because of my actions and Tiger Claw and the Foot escaped with all the equipment they'd been using, and now the entire city is at risk; and I almost single-handedly got all my brothers killed."

There was a crushingly-heavy moment of silence after Raph finished explaining, and Splinter's only action before exploding was to pinch at his forehead with all fingers like he was too angry to do anything else.

"And what, Raphael?" He said, suddenly bringing his hands down to perfectly fold them over each other in faux composure.

Raph scoffed in acid irritation, taking an angry step forward. "Whaddya mean _and what?_ "

" _And WHAT?_ " Splinter snapped. "I suppose this was all on purpose as well?"

Something tore open inside Raphael, and it felt like he'd been stabbed. Raph stared silently with his scowl, his emotions collapsing into turmoil, and he lost his loose grip on the conversation.

"You _foolish_ child, Raphael!" Splinter went on, yelling. "You foolish, _ARROGANT_ child! How many times do I have to tell you to _listen_ to your older brother and be wary of the Foot! Do you understand how hard it is to keep _repeating_ myself when you never listen?! Who is to know what Shredder plans to do with his supplies! Your disruption of the mission could have dire consequences for the citizens around him!"

" _I'm the one that's been saying we needed to perform this mission yesterday!_ " Raph railed back, and thought Splinter might've not lunged at him only because he had a quick answer to that.

" _YOU'RE_ the one that wanted to fight with Leonardo yesterday, Raphael! _You_ caused the backlash that injured your brother! And now look – you have _HARMED YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER MICHELANGELO_ , just like Donatello! I warned you about this just this morning! How could you _HARM_ your younger brother in such a way? Both of them?! Do you enjoy acting out, Raphael? Do you enjoy putting your brothers in danger? Or is your intention only to rebel against them?"

"What the _hell?!_ " Raph shouted back, swinging his arms angrily. His vision momentarily swam together in a wave of anxiety with disgust and astonishment. "Why the hell do you keep talking like I do that?! Why the fuck would I ever wanna put my brothers in danger, _Sensei?!_ Do you think I just go out plannin' to stab 'em, or throw 'em at Shredder's feet?! Did I mention they were firing a _rail gun?_ Exactly what kind of person do you think I am?! Are you even fuckin' serious?!"

" _YOU_ tell _ME,_ Raphael!" Splinter roared back. "What of the nineteen hostages that were murdered, Raphael?! What of the assault you led Michelangelo into, without your other brothers' assistance, where the two of you alone failed to stop the Foot's operation?! Do you believe the hostages thought you were serious, my son?! I fear to suggest you _ask_ them!"

Raph's breathing hitched, and he raised his fists slightly to try to stop the spots in his vision. He thought he was going to be sick.

"I have talked to you so many times, and yet this keeps happening! You and your brother Leonardo must always fight, you must always rebel, you must always act out, you must always put your brothers in danger! Do you realize the danger the four of you live with, the danger you put your family in? The danger you put _others_ in? Please explain it to me Raphael, because I do not understand! Tell me how I should handle this in a way that will work! What should I do this time?!"

Raph sneered, darkness casting over his face. He was done with this. He was done with _this,_ the bullshit, the yelling, the cutting words, _everything_. Fuck this. His voice lowered to something more casual and submissive as he looked up at his father. "How about you go fuck yourself?"

 _SLAP!_

The world stopped turning for a moment, and Raph stumbled back several paces from the force of the blow, head snapped to the side and Splinter's arm still frozen in the action. The anger on Raph's face was replaced by numbness and shock, and looking in the direction his head was facing brought his eyes to the other three's. They peeked through the dojo door timidly, their faces more horrified and stunned than Raph thought he'd ever seen them. It was then that his cheek started to sting and the same eye welled up with tears. Expression more resolved, he partially turned his head back toward Splinter, his ears back and the mix of intense emotions on his face, again, unreadable.

He spat at Splinter's feet, and his Sensei lunged.

Furniture crashed as he chased Raph across the living room and into the kitchen. Terrified, Raph knew he couldn't outrun his ninja master father, and with a sensation like death, he realized he'd cornered himself just by entering the kitchen. He only slowed Splinter down marginally by flipping the table before cowering by the counter –

A loud scuffle and _bang_ rang out for the instant his eyes were turned, and he was suddenly being shoved into the counter much more forcefully.

When he shakily turned back again, he realized, to his shock, it was _Leo_ blocking him there.

Mikey and Donnie had burst in only a second after Leo, and were standing frozen in place, looking on at the scene with huge eyes. Splinter was backed against the flipped table, and Leo stood between the two, holding Raph tightly behind him with one arm, and the other stretched out in front with one katana, pointed at Splinter.

The sword in his hand shook as he stared at their father, but the hard resolution in his face did not waver as he glowered with dark intensity like a shadow, and it was clear to all that for the first time in his life – Leo was legitimately _threatening_ Splinter.

"Touch him," Leo said, voice low and blue eyes razor sharp, "And he won't be your foe, Master Splinter."

Staring at Leo for the longest moment that ever passed, Splinter moved his eyes from Leo's to Raph's. Raph didn't know if he looked like it, but through the one-eyed tears and cacophony of other emotions that each fought to bury him alive – a sense of betrayal started to eat away at him in a ravaging way.

Glancing up at Leo, he looked down the long sword pointed at their father, and the aggressive position, and remembered the fear, and confusion, and pain in his brother's face. _"I did that."_

He looked over to his two baby brothers too, both of their legs wrapped up, and one of them still bloody. _"_ I _did that."_

They should've been on the couch, snuggled together, just finishing some movie. Splinter coming by later to drape a blanket over them and tell them he loved them while they were asleep, like he'd done so many times. This shouldn't be happening. Nineteen people shouldn't be dead, his poor baby brother Mikey, _and Donnie,_ Splinter shouldn't hate him, _he shouldn't be looking at him with that strange look on his face like he did this morning, after he lectured him, he shouldn't have put this fire of emotion in Splinter's eyes, he did that too –_ Leo shouldn't be here with a sword between them.

 _"I shouldn't be here."_

Pushing out from behind Leo in a move that felt like tearing his heart out, he dashed across the kitchen and over his two, suddenly ducking and crying out younger brothers at the fastest speed he was capable of, and not even Splinter could've caught him. Dashing out the lair, his tears trailed behind him as he clawed at the sides of his head, desperately trying to block out the voices of his family as they called after him, cried out his name and called for him to come back, the broken voices of his heartbroken, horribly worried brothers. As he ran across the rooftops of the city through the pouring rain, back to where he'd left his bike in the alleyway, the roar of his motor as he raced to his secret location was the only thing that eventually drowned them out of his head.

Once he reached the abandoned sewer network, he dropped his motorcycle sideways in the tunnels and raced on until he got to his secret tunnel; and there, shivering, lonely, empty, he laid with his head at the very edge, rain pouring down on his broken face through the grate above.

* * *

Hi everyone! WOO This chapter was long, there was so much I wanted to pack into it before it stopped that this thing ended up being 29 pages. Hope you enjoyed!

I also wanted to try to explain as briefly as possible something that occurred to me recently, because it sort of ties in with the story a little (but feel free to skip.) I recently lost my job on December 15th in 2017 that I had been at for almost three years. I got a new position within that job at the beginning of 2017, at the same time as moving out from my parents' home for the first time, which was an enormous accomplishment for me because it meant I could get away from my mother. However, my job was the bare minimum I could live on, and I would've never moved out with that paycheck under any other circumstances. Abuse was rampant at that job, which became much worse at the new position. I would've left years ago if I'd had that option, but I relied on this job for everything, so I had to hold on to it and usually tried to just put up with it. I was constantly struggling as they cut my hours, and I became really depressed, exhausted and angry, and picked up some bad habits to cope. 2017 was a very dark and lonely year for me, and when they fired me, it was over nothing but the abuse I mentioned.

After putting up with everything to keep this job, it was incredibly devastating to lose it this way. HOWEVER...I'm fortunate that I was lucky enough to be able to move in with my Grandma, and I am so glad to be out of that terrible place, because my life has been all the better for it. I've spent my whole life struggling with money and when I got this job, I gave up my happiness and everything important to me to keep it. What happened taught me what I already knew – no amount of effort or sacrifice in the name of money or responsibility means anything, if you're unhappy. I decided 2018 was gonna be the year I change things, forget what everyone else says and aim to do what I love, instead. I'm planning on getting a degree now, and I'm hoping to use it for something that matters to me, whether it pays much or not.

As always, it will be a struggle to get there, and I'm still dealing with the past three years of my life, so Raph carries a lot of my anger and things I went through alone back then. However, I've had lots more time to write, and I've been so happy to be able to do that. I hope you all look forward to what 2018 still holds in excitement with me, and if this is a hard one for you, it's ok – I get you there, too. Love you all :)


	3. Chapter 3

Feat. _oof_

* * *

Foot scrambled about the dark building in a buzz, hooking in equipment and setting up supplies.

"Master Tiger Claw." A Foot approached the mutant, stopping momentarily to give the customary bow of respect. "The assessment was completed. An estimated four tenths of the supplies were destroyed in the warehouse."

Tiger Claw clenched his fists, lashing out at the ninja in an angry roar that made the human cower. "Maybe that will teach you not to handle them like _idiots_ next time!"

The human shook in silent terror before him as Tiger Claw scowled, turning his gaze again to the working soldiers. "Tell them to set up the cameras and motion sensors. I want this place _locked down_ before the sun comes up."

"Yes sir." The Foot bowed low, remaining in that position for a timid moment. "Ah...if I may, sir...have we received word from Master Shredder?"

" _Do_ not ask me such juvenile questions, scum! If you want instructions from him, you may return to ask him yourself!" The tiger roared, and the Foot soldier scurried of like a frightened roach. Tiger Claw turned back again to the working soldiers, scowling.

"Yes...we'll see what that man has to say, indeed." He growled to himself, crossing his arms sternly with a slight sneer darkening his face.

.

.

.

When Raph awoke, it was with yesterday's memories seared in his brain like the tremendous aches in his body that followed him to wakefulness, and he laid still for a while, his exhausted brain numbly sifting through all of it.

That was all he really felt at the moment – numb. He could go through everything that had happened yesterday, but he couldn't feel anything; he couldn't figure out what to feel. In fact, strangely enough, the only thing he couldn't mentally pick through at the moment was his fight with Master Splinter last night. That was a large box full of dangerous things and too heavy to carry the way he was right now, so his brain shoved it into the back where he couldn't reach it, emotions and all. He vaguely wanted to go back and try to sort things out with his family, and when he thought about it there was a deep pang of guilt and longing; but he had no idea how to go back.

Maybe Splinter hadn't meant what he'd said – maybe he'd been angry, or stressed, or something. He didn't know – Splinter had never said those kinds of things to him before. They'd certainly never had a fight that horrible before… _they couldn't have, Splinter had never blatantly ignored a homicide and blamed Raph instead, before, like that made any sense –_ at the moment, trying to figure it out made him feel too nauseous, and he couldn't conjure enough energy to care.

And the blood. Mikey had looked so scared...that woman they'd freed had been so traumatized. How the room turned red. The Foot escaping with the gun, Mikey's blast wound. Leo and Donnie didn't know – _they still didn't know, really._ The way Mikey and Donnie looked at their older brothers in the kitchen. Leo.

He sighed, resting his hands on his face. _"Will they ever forgive me now?"_

He grumbled, finally, stiffly sitting up. He trembled from the cold and his leg was on fire, and he tried to brush the gritty concrete off of himself. He left his phone again...maybe he ought to find a way to contact his brothers. Then he'd figure out what to do about Sensei, but he couldn't go back home right now. There had to be a way he could try to sort some of this out...something he could grab onto to try to stabilize himself, because right now he was reeling.

He looked up at the sky through the grate, grimacing at the early-morning light coming through. He needed to go to April's apartment.

.

.

He got to the fire escape outside the apartment fairly quickly, and knocked on the window. He shifted feet and rubbed his arms as he stood there, the brisk cold of the early-morning air beginning to give his fingers and toes a burning sensation. After a moment with no response, nervously looking around in the morning light, Raph knocked again, pausing by the window to peer inside.

April didn't seem to be home. _"Left for school already,"_ He thought. _"I missed her..."_

Tentatively, he pressed on the window, which April often left open for them – it gave under his hand, and he gave a small sigh of relief before slipping inside.

It was warmer inside, and he stood on the hardwood floor facing the apartment for a moment like a statue. There was the couch in the middle of the living room, facing the TV, where he and his brothers had crashed several times before. The table in front of it still had the circular water stain at the edge. Suddenly, he vaguely wondered if April watched TV much; it must be lonely here with her Aunt gone all the time. The thought was random, but he didn't use the energy to wonder where it came from; he was suddenly having lots of random thoughts. He tried to imagine what class she was taking now; if she was sitting there, just waiting for it to end so she could go home, maybe visit her family underneath the city, the way she'd often texted them in the past...he wondered when she'd be home. April, his stubborn, intelligent, big-hearted sister –

He suddenly noticed he was crying. Feeling his face with a start, he scrubbed the tears away with a grunt of dismay and slowly moved forward, looking around to make sure she really wasn't there, just in case.

He went to the kitchen first, more out of hunger than anything. Deciding to look in her fridge for something to eat, he felt bad, but feeling bad for taking things from April wasn't new. He could always try to pay her back later with one of the several online jobs he and his brothers often took. Finding a wrapped-up sandwich, he took it out and moved the wrapping off for a bite, but hesitated. Suddenly the thought of eating made him feel incredibly nauseous. But that was stupid, because he hadn't eaten since the one meal Mikey slipped him yesterday, and he had every reason to be starving. His stomach growled loudly and tossed uncomfortably as he looked at the sandwich, and he wasn't sure if he ate it, that it would stay down. Frustrated, he slammed the fridge closed again, re-wrapping the sandwich and sticking it in his waist belt for now before getting some water instead.

Stalking back out into the living room, he gingerly looked around. Slipping over to the bedrooms, he peeked inside of April's quickly, just to check. When she wasn't there either, he slunk over to the couch and fell back against it, exhausted and unsure what to do.

He briefly wondered about her T-phone, and if there were any chance he could find it, just to...but no, she always had it with her, he was sure she took it to school, too. He considered staying there all day until she came back. He didn't really have any better options, after all. Yeah – he couldn't really stay out in the daylight, anyway; Casey was probably also in school, and he didn't like the idea of hanging around in the cool air and hard cement of his hideaway that long, either. He somehow felt worse for helping himself to April's apartment _and_ crashing here all day, but she wouldn't stay mad at him. She was more liable to just get really worried and yell at him for not coming to get her, but she'd forgive him, and he could make it up to her later.

 _Will they ever forgive me now?_

He paused.

 _"She'll forgive me?...You're too used to expecting that from her. Who says she won't be upset and try to send me back when she finds out what happened? This hasn't ever..."_

Sitting stock-still, he let out an unsteady sigh before reaching for the remote, hoping the TV would distract him from his quickly-spiraling thoughts.

Flipping absently through several channels, he noticed the news channel and quickly flitted past that one, too. The last thing he wanted to hear about was –

"–Report of the warehouse explosion from last night–"

He paused, flinching. Frozen between a scowl and stunned terror, he flipped back a channel. They _were_ talking about it.

"–Docks. Now, we've received word from chairman General Dunford this morning about the incident, saying it was _not_ an organized US military operation and no order for activity in that area of New York City was given or permitted, nor were they notified of any retaliation efforts there. This leads local law enforcement to look to the elusive terror groups of New York City, but this is all speculation for the moment, as evidence at the scene indicates many parties were involved. Most information about the case is currently confidential, but we will let you know–"

Raph quickly turned off the TV, dropping the remote with a trembling hand. He'd known the authorities were going to be heavily investigating the crime scene his brothers and the Foot had left behind. Why was it hitting him now like this? It suddenly made him incredibly uneasy. Maybe, he guessed, he didn't want to admit he was afraid of the true magnitude of the situation.

 _"What an awful scene to have to investigate. I wonder how much evidence was left there."_ Raph absently thought, staring at the black TV screen with a grievous, sympathetic expression. _"Those poor people have to see..."_

Raph took in a sharp inhale of breath, and his mind went numb for a moment. It was a little jarring, actually, the way the memory was gradually drifting behind a strong wall of fuzzy numbness, and he fought to leave it there. His mind shifted to the aftermath, instead. He wished so badly he knew how Mikey was doing...Donnie, too. Heck, he was even worried about Leo – he hadn't gotten a good look at what damage he'd taken from that shot aimed at all of them, but he seemed to remember his big brother looking kind of battered, now that he thought back. A pang of guilt hit him when he remembered the ambush he'd practically called down on Leo and Donnie. That couldn't have helped.

As if suddenly wanting to join the discussion, his own leg injury twinged with pain, and Raph flinched. It hurt worse than he remembered – a lot worse, actually. He wondered just how bad it was.

Looking down at himself, it suddenly occurred to him he looked like hell. And what's more, his wound seemed to have re-opened at some point and fresh blood blotched the wraps around his leg. A small red dot was on the floor by his foot.

He stared at it for a long time, a voice in the back of his mind telling him he was bleeding everywhere and to get up and clean the mess he was making, but the voice might as well have been a thousand miles away, and Raph couldn't care less. A dark, slimy feeling worsened in the pit of his gut. Everything felt wrong; everything that happened felt wrong. But what had caused everything to go so wrong? What could he even do about it?

He wanted his brothers. He couldn't bear to face them. He wanted to go home and he wanted his dad. He didn't ever want to see his dad again. He needed to keep investigating Shredder's operation and find the tank that escaped. He knew he couldn't do anything about it...he was all alone.

Feeling suddenly, overwhelmingly uncomfortable and unwelcome, he got up and slipped back out the window of April's apartment, heart breaking to be with his family.

.

.

He quickly trekked back towards his secret hideout, squeezing into receded shadows and constantly looking every which way for people.

As exhausted as he already felt, and as much as he wanted his brain to shut up for a while, it wouldn't stop looping that one thought he had in April's apartment. _Everything felt wrong._ But why the hell was he suddenly fixated on that? The most it did was make him feel even more miserable, trying to drag him deeper into the depths of his mind where that night still was, waiting to come up and eat him alive, and he didn't want to go down there.

He wish he knew what on earth Shredder was up to.

As he headed toward the theater district again, a police car with raging sirens caught his attention as it flew toward the wreckage of the building they'd destroyed last night. More investigation units, he guessed. He wondered how many authorities were at the scene right now. He knew there were already packs of police officers and firefighters going through the wreckage, several news stations and at least one SWAT team there, based on the glimpse he'd gotten on TV. His brothers wouldn't normally be keeping up with it at this hour; more likely they'd be in a dead sleep, trying to recover. He wasn't sure based on the way they'd been awake all of yesterday putting together the mission for last night, but they all usually switched to sleeping in the day and being active at night soon after important missions arose.

Anyway, he felt uncomfortable with all those people at the crime scene. He had no idea where Shredder's entourage had gone to last night, or what they intended to do now, especially with all their hostages gone, and...

Sneering to himself, he made a slight change in direction and headed for the crime scene, instead. If the humans found out anything helpful, he wanted to know now.

.

While he was still a few miles off, he immediately spotted helicopters hovering over the scene, and made extra sure to stay under cover. Running across the city in broad daylight, even deep inside the darkest shadows he found, make him feel vulnerable and uncomfortable enough to want to sink into the ground. When he finally arrived at the site, the crowd was about as big as he was expecting, although the police had blocked off a wide enough portion of the city that no citizens could even get within viewing distance, which was a relief.

Raph clambered up onto a fire escape in the shadow of two buildings closely wedged against one another, still several hundred feet off as an extra safety measure, and sat down to watch, hands clenched around his hurt leg that burned in protest against the strenuous activity. He knew this was probably the worst possible thing he could be doing for it, and was trying to be as careful as he could. The police, firemen and SWAT team down at the building site were rummaging through the rubble sections at a time, apparently testing each location with equipment and dogs before proceeding, so it looked like it was slow-going. Several reporters from many different news stations stood outside the caution tape, giving their reports. Realizing with frustration that he'd have to get closer to gather any intel, Raph got back up and started sneaking closer, on the ground this time and slipping through what buildings he could to avoid the helicopters.

"...Yesterday evening when what sounded like bombs went off here at this abandoned warehouse." One reporter prattled on, and Raph rolled his eyes. "Some of our sources have suggested an ISIS terrorist attack..."

Tuning her out, Raph invisibly slunk from the empty warehouse he watched from to the one next to it, circling around to get a better view of the workers. Climbing to the second floor, he walked around holes in the old wooden-plank floor and sat near a large crumbled section of the wall, tucked enough to the side to stay out of sight.

Instantly, he realized something incredibly unsettling. Nobody had given any indication that they'd found any Foot soldiers, but he was sure several had been lying around that nobody had gone back for when everyone made a mad dash out of the building. However, most of the place had been up in flames by then, and today, there wasn't much of it left standing – the rubble was massive. He wondered if there was anyone left to be found...

 _The woman was so scared, the room–_

His eyes darted over to that section of the building against his will, his chest shuddering with a sharp pain. Most of that was gone, too, and someplace deep in his mind that he couldn't reach and didn't understand let out a sigh of relief with that knowledge. Thankfully, at least, it didn't seem like the government was going to make any discoveries about his family or what they did yesterday.

"...Either a submarine or a large tank-like vehicle, although it is yet to be identified." The reporter nearest to him said, catching his attention, and his eyes went to her with a sharp gaze. "The armed forces are working together with investigation units and eyewitnesses to confirm the sighting and figure out who it belongs to. However, several eyewitness reports from Durham Beach describe the vehicle appearing to head north before submerging again and disappearing. Authorities are still working to find out its destination and intentions..."

Raph's eyes narrowed in a dark scowl. It was headed north, along the banks! There was only one place Shredder used north of here that something like that tank-submarine could discreetly travel to – and he knew where it was. There was no doubt that was where they were transporting everything – that place was huge, and in a fairly rough and sparsely-populated part of town. He gritted his teeth; as much as he wanted to go immediately, it was best to stick around and find out what else he could for now, and go at nightfall. He needed to find water and more food than the sandwich he'd nabbed, and besides, while this many people were still here, at least until they concluded their investigation for the day...

Raph stood, distantly hearing one of the search dogs start barking, figuring he might as well start his hunt for water to go with his sandwich before coming back, and considered going back to April's. It was only noon, she wouldn't be back yet –

" _Hey!_ "  
Before he could think, react or even blink, a gunshot went off behind him with a _POW!_ and something whizzed by Raph's head, slicing his cheek open.

Mind racing furiously, only his years of stealth training kept him from crying out in shock as he fell forward, tripping over a hole in the floor and falling through, landing on the ground below in a cascade of splinters and dust and thoroughly jarring his wounded leg.

" _Fuck!_ " Raph hissed in pain, grasping at his leg with an agonized grimace. He looked up in worry when the sound of heavily-armored people came racing up to the building.

A SWAT member kicked the shoddy door down. " _Put your hands up–_ "

The building was empty. The SWAT agent lowered his gun and walked inside, looking around dumbfounded as others followed him in.

.

Raph panted heavily, sitting below a manhole cover a couple hundred feet away a few minutes later, the sounds of shouting men just beginning to reach him as he slid into a deeper slouch, and fell onto his side in exhaustion to curl around his leg.

Giving it a glance after a moment, Raph moved his hands to see it had split open again, and was bleeding much more heavily than before.

He sneered. "Fuckin' dog...fuckin' SWAT assholes...fuckin'... _fuck_."

Staggering up, he braced his hand on the sewer wall and limped in the direction of April's house.

.

.

It took him three times as long to get back, at the pace he was going, taking up a good hour and a half before he reached the apartment, and he ate the sandwich that had miraculously stayed in his waist belt on the way, though it was a bit worse for wear after his one-floor tumble. His leg was absolutely killing him, but he'd tied some extra wrappings over the original to stem as much of the bleeding as possible and try to keep from leaving a trail, and thankfully the blood flow had stopped after a while. When he finally got there, it took the last of his energy climbing the apartment unnoticed and slipping inside. Instead of stepping through the window like he'd planned, he fell over the windowsill shoulder-first and ended up in a heap on the floor.

 _"Great...so much for not bleeding all over April's apartment."_ He thought, pushing himself up and making for her first-aid supplies, then the bathroom. The first thing he had to do was, finally, give his leg the emergency attention it now really, _really_ needed.

By the time he was finished, it was almost three o'clock, and finishing his business here before April got back at four was beginning to press harder on his mind. He hadn't been able to stitch anything since the area of the injury was so wide, except in the center where it went deeper, and had clotted and split open even further; but it was so mottled, there hadn't been anything he could get a hold of to actually stitch. It was like someone had taken a serrated meat cleaver to his leg; a couple hundred pounds of gauze would've been more helpful, but April didn't have that much. He cleaned it as well as he could, not realizing until now how _bad_ it was, or that he had other blast wounds littered across the right side of his body too, just too small and non-serious to notice through everything else before. He finally understood why Leo had probably looked so worried, bandaging him up on the fire escape…he tried as hard as he could not to think of his older brother in the process of taking apart Leo's careful bandaging and putting fresh cloth over his leg. He cleaned up the rest of his wounds too, as well as he could, and was amazed at the end that April's drain hadn't clogged or started spitting things back up in protest.

He couldn't get over how serious it was – it had felt like nothing, last night, despite bleeding so much; but it was certainly worse than Mikey's had been, and the implications of the amount of adrenaline he'd been on sent chills down his back.

After he finished washing and re-wrapping, he spent the rest of the hour scrubbing the tub out with bleach. He really wanted nothing more after that than to collapse on the couch and die, but he already knew he couldn't stay here anymore. He couldn't go back home right now, and April would definitely know he was here after this, so he couldn't come back again. He stuffed some cold water bottles and as much food as he could fit between them in a backpack he found in a closet, left a long note, looked around the apartment one more time and tried not to cry, and was gone.

.

The exhausted, wobbly trek through the sewers back to his hideout made him really, _really_ wish he had his bike, onlookers and stealth be damned. He was so tired, he wanted nothing more at that moment than to fall forward and hit his hammock in his room at home instead of the concrete sewer floors, filled with soft blankets and pillows where he'd sleep for years, if he were there. He cursed and swore the whole way back that he'd never go out in daylight like this again just for the reason of not being able to use his bike, but he knew somehow or other, with all this crazy stuff going down, he couldn't commit to that. He'd have to go back to the lair at some point anyway, at least to get his cover-up clothes so he could be more mobile, but not right now – he _had_ to rest; yesterday's mission was affecting him terribly and he felt like he was dying.

Investigating the Foot warehouse was going to have to wait until later tonight, after all; but the more darkness he had to work with, the better.

.

.

.

Leo landed hard on the rooftop, his feet scraping into the concrete, and did a 360 of his surroundings, ears straining to cut through the noise of the city.

His voice was incredibly raw, and his mind starting to swim in exhaustion. Even using the form of meditation he could normally sense his brothers with, even with the utmost of his tracking skills, which he had better mastery of than any of his brothers, they'd found no sign of Raph anywhere they thought he might've gone. Once sensing nothing from his surroundings, he gripped the heavy coat around him, trying to keep the lead weight on his insides from pulling him under into an ocean of despair. There was no use yelling anymore in hopes of getting an answer – he'd been doing that for hours. He'd donned as many human clothes as he could to run around topside, in broad daylight; and his Tphone sat heavily in his waist strap pocket, as he debated whether to check in with Donnie and Mikey again.

He stood there shifting his weight back and forth, struggling with an overwhelming sense of deep-rooted panic over his missing brother that had fogged his senses ever since last night. Eventually, worry won him over, and he dug his phone out to dial Donnie's phone.

After a couple rings, his little brother's voice came on the line. " _Hey Leo._ "

"Where are you at, Donnie?" Leo said, wincing when his voice rasped more than he thought it would.

" _The intersection of Second and Fourth by the drug store. My feet are killing me._ " Donnie sighed for a moment. " _Do you want to meet up?_ "

"Yeah. I want to regroup with you two. We should meet over the jewelry shop next to the salon. I'm going to call Mikey."

" _Roger that._ " Donnie responded.

"And remember to stay out of sight! People are more likely to see us roof-hopping in the middle of the day."

" _No duh, mom._ " Donnie chuckled, Leo's face falling into a flat scowl. " _I'll meet you there. And Leo?_ "

"Yeah?"

" _...You be careful too. Ok?_ "

Leo sighed softly. After what happened the night Raph left, he wasn't at all surprised his remaining two younger brothers had been especially worried about him. Raph, primarily, obviously, but Leo, too. After all, he'd never – never lost it like that, before. And no one, including himself, could've _ever_ guessed the person he lost it like that with would've been…..he was sure he scared them. And he regretted how it had dragged them down with him, too. They shouldn't have to be out here with him right now, running around looking for Raph in broad daylight, unwilling to return to the lair and the person there.

"I will, Don. Thanks."

They hung up after that, and Leo dialed Mikey's phone as he headed in the direction of their destination.

.

They all met up on the rooftop, sneaking cautiously in painful awareness of their vulnerability, converging in a dark shadow between a stairwell room and the connected building directly next to it. Leo got there first and waited impatiently as the other two came a few minutes after him, all grouping up in the shadow and taking a moment to lean against the concrete in exhaustion.

Mikey plopped down on his backside with a sigh, arms wrapped under his legs and hanging his head. Leo watched him in worry before finally deciding to kneel in front of him, examining his wound. "How's your leg feeling, Mikey?"

Mikey didn't answer right away, before eventually muttering something unintelligible, not making eye contact. Leo and Donnie shared a worried glance at their little brother's standoffish behavior as Leo continued examining the wound's dressings himself, checking for any bleeding. Mikey hadn't been very talkative since last night – not since what he did after Raph left.

 _Screaming. Violence. A blue streak whipped around and lunged at the tallest figure so fast it took a second before the other two comprehended. They were fighting. They weren't fighting, they were gonna_ kill _each other – help, someone stop them, they were gonna kill each other, screaming, yelling – but his mind was roiling, he was so angry and scared and upset and ANGRY, he didn't know what to do – Donnie grabbed a hold of him and huddled with him against a wall, arms protectively around him as he watched the other two with a razor-sharp expression. Things were being thrown around the room as the rage happened in front of them, it was dangerous – his brothers were suddenly leaving the lair, Leo was trying to herd Mikey and Donnie in front of him, and Donnie was pulling Mikey along behind him._

 _Splinter reached out and grabbed Mikey's other arm, saying something, desperation and pain on his face that looked shattered and so upset, and something pulled painfully behind the raging anger that suddenly consumed Mikey –_

 _He tore his arm from Donnie's grasp and lunged at Splinter, slugging him in the stomach. Splinter tumbled backwards in shock before freezing. Everyone – everything had frozen._

 _Mikey screamed at him, and the world around him became a roar of overwhelming pain and emotions. "Don't you DARE touch me! How dare you attack him and ostracize him like that, after everything he went through?! He almost died protecting me and you SHUNNED him! DON'T YOU DARE touch me! I hate you! I **hate you!** " _

_Blurry vision. Tears and anger combined to blind him, and he was sure something would have come apart in him if two pairs of arms hadn't suddenly grabbed him like they were pulling him out of a hurricane. Those arms consumed and protectively held him tightly in the darkness, comforting and protecting him from the outside, but the yelling continued loudly around him. He wanted it to stop. Finally,_ finally, _it began dying slowly as they moved further away from the one causing their stress, and eventually there was silence, and Mikey couldn't fight the pull towards unconscious sleep. He didn't know where he was or what was going on, but the two pairs of arms were still wrapped around him, rocking him, and he succumbed to the warmth._

After that night, when they'd slept for a while – too exhausted from the violent mission earlier to push forward – the three had immediately decided to set out in search of Raph. Leo had refused to let Donnie and Mikey go out alone, insisting they team up, and Donnie had compromised that the two stay at least within a mile of each other, both of them insisting they needed to cover more ground; and none of the three had taken any time to discuss the previous night – or, what exactly had happened to Mikey and Raph on the mission. None of them had been willing to waste another minute; and besides, none of them really thought they could handle it at the moment if they tried. All effort was put into finding Raph, even though...

Donnie dropped his head against the concrete wall, endlessly worried and frustrated. They'd checked everywhere they thought he might be, but they hadn't found the first sign of Raph, and Mikey remained quiet, but with a simmering anger toward their father and even their brother that seemed unique, and worried them to death.

Leo was still crouched in front of him, looking like he was trying to figure out how to broach the subject with Mikey, but didn't know what to say to the hunched figure before him. Finally, with a burdened sigh, he sat on his knees and put both hands on Mikey's shoulders.

"Everything's gonna be ok, Mikey. I promise." He said, eventually lifting the younger's chin to look sincerely in his eyes. "Everything's gonna be ok."

Mikey's expression crumbled a little, looking sadly up at his two big brothers, almost like there was a thought he wasn't expressing. Then, suddenly, his breathing hitched and he buried his face in his knees, unexpectedly and abruptly breaking down.

Leo, surprised at this sudden outburst, quickly moved forward to gather Mikey into his arms and squeeze him tight. Donnie quickly knelt down beside the pair to put worried hands on the youngest, and Leo pulled him into the hug, too. Mikey's sudden breakdown worried the older two awfully as they tried to understand what was going through his head, but the brokenness in Mikey's voice indicated there wasn't much to tell that could be put into words. Before they knew it, they were crying with their little brother, holding onto each other as tight as they could.

"I'm so sorry." Leo mumbled miserably into his two little brothers' shoulders, their heads snuggled into his, his raw voice giving away his heartbreak. "I'm so sorry all this is happening. Everything'll be ok. It'll be ok."

Biting his lip, Donnie buried his head deeper into Leo's shoulder and nuzzled Mikey, tears streaming down with a deep, broken pain in his chest, and all three missing Raph horribly.

They had to call April and Casey.

.

.

Donnie hit the "end call" button with a frustrated scoff, looking over at Leo.

The three of them were already making their way to April's apartment, despite having already looked there first thing that morning and finding nothing, deciding to call their human friends on the way. Leo was going to call April, but hesitated when Donnie had trouble reaching Casey's phone. After one more attempt, Donnie quit trying, looking at Leo and still holding the phone with trepidation.

"It says the phone's been disconnected."

"What?" Leo looked alarmed. "Do you think something happened?"

"I don't know." Donnie thought about it for a minute, when his face changed to shock as something dawned on him, and then to despair, putting a hand to his face in frustration.

"What?" Leo asked anxiously.

"He said he had a hockey tournament this week. He probably accidentally smashed it again. It happened last time."

Leo sighed heavily, his own face sinking. "I'm gonna try April."

Phone already out, he raised a finger to it, when it suddenly started ringing on its own.

Shocked, the group stopped running across the rooftops to look at it, anxious to see if it was Raph and surprised when it was April, calling herself.

Leo glanced at his little brothers before answering. "April? Something's happened, we were–"

" _I know._ " April said almost breathlessly, and Leo's expression slowly melted, stunned. April sounded panicked. " _Raph's been at my apartment. You guys need to get here as fast as you can._ "

.

.

The three brothers were still fifteen minutes away from April's apartment after the phone call ended, and they got there in six.

When they stumbled in through the window, not bothering to knock first, the first thing that hit them was the faint smell of bleach. Thoroughly confused and panicked, the three brothers spotted April as she hurried to them across the apartment, and they met her halfway.

She was reaching out to them, and Leo gently grabbed her arms when they met, frantically searching her face and a million questions racing to come out first.

"April, what–"

"Raph, he was here, not too long ago." April rambled, her mind racing. "He was here, and he – oh, I didn't know, why in the world didn't he call me? Why didn't he just come and get me–" Suddenly almost breaking down into tears, April fought to pull herself together and herded the three to the couch, where she urged them to sit down. "Just...sit, ok? I...I have to tell you what happened. I got home from school and smelled this awful bleach in here, and I thought the apartment had been vandalized. But the only thing missing was a lot of food and water from my fridge and a backpack, and the shower was wet. The bleach is strongest in there. Apparently he was in there, and tried to clean up after himself." She paused only for a second on that thought, gauging their reactions to confirm her fears about the state Raph was in. "I don't know what in the world is going on, but he – there's…..there's blood on the floor. And he left a note."

The three went a little paler, and Leo looked around the floor, almost immediately seeing little spots of red, mostly concentrated around areas where Raph had apparently spent more time. He gripped the couch tighter to stop the sudden sensation of becoming sick, all three too shocked to ask about the note.

April rubbed her hands over her eyes for a second, the awful emotion from their human sister that shouldn't know what was going on, jarring and unsettling. "Just – just stay there. I'll let you read it yourselves."

She left and was back with the note in just seconds, and the three brothers grabbed it, desperately scanning their only hint to their brother with trembling hands. It was a long apology; for crashing at her apartment and making a mess of it, stealing resources, making a gruesome, bleach-cleaned mess of his leg in the bathroom, and generally involving her in his situation at all. Raph was pretty vague, but offered a few details by way of explanation and giving April a forewarning about Shredder's activity, and that his brothers would come looking for him. He didn't give any real information about what happened, but suggested clearly enough that it was pretty bad, involved their last mission, and he was trying to make it right, but he was on the run right now and didn't want to be found. Raph's handwriting was rushed and unusually unsteady throughout as he apologized over and over again, and they could almost feel his heartbreak through the crinkled paper, spotted with one water stain.

"He...he came here..." Donnie finally mumbled unsteadily, just trying to regain control of his racing thoughts. "He must've not known where else to go. He-he needed – _needs_ help, and couldn't go home. We..." He looked at his other brothers brokenly, and only Mikey returned the devastated expression, Leo staring at the note. "We missed him..."

The note crinkled as Leo tightened a fist around it, clenching his eyes shut with emotion. "Raph...!"

"Please, guys," April folded her hands over her chest, not looking much better. "Tell me what's happening. Why is Raph running? What is he trying to do that he thinks he has to be all alone?"

Leo paused, looking up at her with sad eyes. He had no idea where to start, and honestly felt a strong urge to bust back out the apartment window and race across the city screaming Raph's name again, but Raph was almost definitely nowhere near April's apartment anymore. Besides – April needed to know, regardless. As he struggled to find the words, Mikey suddenly got up from the couch with a stony expression. The three stared at him wide-eyed, both older brothers surprised and worried.

"Raph's blaming himself for a genocide Shredder committed, because we couldn't stop it." He said, and April's eyes went a little wider. "The four of us were on a mission last night to interrupt an operation Tigerclaw was heading, and I found twenty hostages in a dark storage room."

The three listened silently, Leo and Donnie with intense eyes fixed on the youngest, taking in every word intently as Mikey described – for the first time anyone had heard it – what actually happened; and, watching him closely, processing what the other two went through in horror.

"Raph and I weren't supposed to be together, but he joined up with me, I think after hearing about the hostages himself. It was a good thing he showed up, or else I would've tried to jump in alone to stop them – he came and _stopped_ me because he _knew I was in danger._ They were planning to film the execution to threaten the government with it, and we didn't have time to figure out what to do."

The three blinked in shock. Leo and Donnie shared a quick, silent look, obviously stunned at this piece of information.

"They had a huge cannon gun. We couldn't – couldn't just stand there and watch. Raph told me to take out the camera, and he went to stop the gun. Everybody was shooting at us…they shot the cannon once while we were fighting them, and we were all almost buried alive." He paused to take in a shaky breath. "The hostages were spared by some miracle, so we tried to free them, but I only got one before they tried again."

Here, Mikey balled his fists and clenched his eyes shut, voice beginning to quiver at the horror he had to recall. "W-we tried so hard to free them, but there were too many, and the gun – Raph kept screaming for me to move, but I couldn't. He fought through Foot and reached me at the last minute – he jumped into the line of fire to save me. We both got hurt just from proximity. B-but the people...th-they...were just…" With trembling shoulders, he reached up and scrubbed at his eyes. "R-Raph…I….w-were both so scared…..Raph was _scared._ We just wanted to get Leo and Donnie and get out. But he still picked me up, and told me the Foot had hell to pay, and ran on his shot leg to get all of us out of there. Raph _lied,_ he said everything was his fault. Like Shredder wouldn't have killed those people if it weren't for him! _None_ of it was Raph's fault, no more than it was mine, too! There was nothing we could do! But Splinter, he started fighting with him and yelling like – like th-that asshole thought he _caused_ it to happen! Like any of us even _KNOW_ what happened! Like…like all those people–" Finally, he choked on his words, crying quietly in what looked like a desperate fight between horrible anger and despair.

Almost as quickly, though, Leo and Donnie both reached out and grabbed him, forcefully pulling him into their arms in a fierce hug. Mikey broke down into sobs full of horror, burying into Donnie's shoulder, and the two curled around him on the couch; Donnie holding him from the front in a vice grip, and Leo tightly wrapped around them both from the other side, his head snuggled against Mikey's.

" _Oh, Mikey._ " April rushed forward, immediately joining the group hug and crying with the brothers, nobody knowing what to say. Tears running down his face, Leo peeked at the note still crunched tightly in his hand, and then out the window of the apartment, before lurching with a sob caught in his throat and pulling the group closer.

.

.

Night fell over the busy, bustling city of New York. Raph walked at a slow pace through the sewers towards the lair, cursing his leg the whole way.

Again, he wished he could use his bike, but he didn't have the disguise clothes needed to make such a trip – the very reason he was going back right now. It was stupid though, and he hated it.

On top of that, he had no idea what he'd do when he got there. He didn't know where his brothers were; hopefully, they'd be out of the lair looking for him, as much as he hated that, too. But Splinter….he wasn't likely to have left. And being on alert, he might even know the minute Raph got within ten feet of the place.

The more he thought about it, the more he doubted he'd be able to avoid Splinter's attention entirely. He might, however, be able to slip in and back out through the shadows and get what he needed to, if he was fast enough. Then he'd run like mad and disappear on the surface, damn his leg.

As he devised his plan, he came near the lair and paused, shifting to high-alert for anyone that may be nearby, looking for him to come back. When he didn't sense anyone, he proceeded with utmost silence near the front entrance.

Immediately, pressing himself anxiously to the wall outside the entrance, his mind began racing with a plan of action. Finding clothes would be difficult because he'd have to cross the lair and get to his room to get any – there was a big overcoat and a motorcycle helmet in the garage, but he needed pants, gloves and his big boots, modified to fit his feet. He waited and listened for anyone nearby. He didn't hear or sense his brothers; they didn't seem to be here. He couldn't tell where his sensei was, either.

Very carefully, he crept along the wall of the living room like a shadow until he got to the hallway where their bedrooms were, and couldn't help pausing along the way. _Damn,_ he thought, looking about the place with wide eyes. _It looks like somebody vandalized the place._ Furniture was thrown about, glass and electronics were broken, the punching dummy looked like it had either been used as a weapon or a martyr and was strewn across the floor. What it actually looked much more like, which he couldn't understand, was a huge fight. But nobody was bleeding on the floor and he had no time to figure it out, slipping down the hall to his room and soundlessly shutting and locking the door behind him. As he entered, he did a critical analyzation of his room to make sure no one was hiding in here, but nobody knew his room better than he did, and was quickly assured he was alone.

Next, he walked to his closet and silently threw open a chest of clothes inside, yanking out a spare blanket folded overtop and a torn shirt. Grabbing his pants, gloves and boots, he methodically slipped into them before stuffing the gloves into his back pockets and creeping back out the door.

Standing at the end of the hallway for a moment, pressed and hidden against the wall, he did a thorough scan of his environment, attempting to sense for nearby presences through a partial use of the astral plane their father had taught them, though he'd never been much good at that – Leo and Mikey were much better. For just a second, he looked longingly about the trashed place; toward the TV pit, Donnie's lab, the kitchen, the dojo. Wishing he could just lay on the couch and pass out; wishing his brothers were here; wishing he didn't feel like a stranger in his own home, right now.

Finally, through the most miniscule hints of sound coming from the dojo, he located his father inside, and silently wandered past the closed doors on his way to the garage to grab his jacket and helmet.

From the other side, there was a soft murmuring as Splinter spoke quietly. Raph wondered if one of his brothers was here after all; unable to sate his curiosity, he paused and walked closer to the doors. Once he could hear better, it sounded more like Splinter was on the phone.

"…Yes….no, I…I simply do not know what to do, Ancient One." His father's muffled voice came through the doors, and Raph pressed his ear to them, surprised. He'd only heard Splinter speak of the Ancient One before, an old friend of their father's from when he was human, and one of the few who was aware of their family and the Battle Nexus – another place he'd only ever heard of.

Splinter occasionally took long trips to visit this friend, and even less occasionally, sometimes they'd call.

"Yes….yes." His father continued, and Raph stared at the floor, waiting patiently between the pauses. "He is…..yes, you are probably right, Hasame. But he – you know how Raphael is."

Raph's stomach dropped, and his brow furrowed.

"He is just….I…..sometimes I do not know what to do. Saki grows stronger every day, and my sons….it is like he does not understand." There was another short pause. "Last night he told me he disrupted his brothers' mission. They were all hurt. Do you think he….just….struggles?"

As Raph's heart sank, there was another short pause, and then low laughter. Was Splinter saying he wasn't right in the head?

"Of course, of course…" Splinter continued. "I had hoped my feud with Saki would have never affected my boys so much. But there is so much resemblance in Raphael, sometimes it is impossible to live with him."

There was more laughter from the other side as Raph's world bottomed out from under him. He stumbled back, looking at the doors in withering shock and disbelief, and it was only a second that he tried to grasp what he just heard before quickly, silently, he bolted for the garage, forcing himself not to throw up. Barely registering grabbing his jacket and helmet, he was out the door long before Splinter ever emerged from the dojo.

As Raph ran out into the darkening night, strangely, a phrase from a couple days ago looped in his otherwise-shot mind, of another time he was listening to someone through a door.

"… _I was frustrated. But it wasn't your fault, ok? It just...please, open the door, Raph."_

He wanted that one back. He wanted to be able to open the door, for everything to be ok. He wanted Leo. He wanted his little brothers. He wanted his brothers, and his father, and to tell them all how much he loved them, and know they loved him back. As he ran to his bike, jumping on to race to the surface and head north toward Shredder's secret hideout, he sent up a prayer to the brothers he was sure were still looking for him – to stop looking.

* * *

Chapter song: If you want love - NF

A/N: YIKES! I'm so so sorry for the millions of years it took to post chap. 3! This story is particularly difficult to write, but thank you everybody so much for all the support and reviews :) (ALSO, SPOILER ALERT, a plot twist involving Tigerclaw is approaching! Can anyone guess what's gonna happen?!)

Starfire201: You are right on the money. And yeah, that is a good description of what I'm setting up in this fic - a "perfect storm". You hit the nail on the head with what's happening within the family.

LittleMiss Icequeen: Yes, I am continuing this! I even plan to finish it, lol. Sorry updates take so long! (It frustrates me, too.)

WinterHeath: Thanks for checking out my story! I'm glad you appreciated my review, I love your stories as well (and I've been looking forward to new chapters of I Hate Space every week!). And yeah, that's the thing - there's a lot of miscommunication between Splinter and Raph right now, and neither are handling it correctly, but Splinter is kind of twisting the knife and making communication impossible at the moment. (I'll go ahead and say this, though, he doesn't really know what he's talking about rn.) I was worried about writing this Splinter, since cannon Splinter isn't abusive, but I recently read one of the IDW turtles comics with BrightLotusMoon where Splinter was also kind of being an ass, so it encouraged me to portray him the way I needed to for this fic. (Rest assured, though, they'll figure it all out before the end!)

And yes, you're right about how losing trust in your parents makes you feel. I wanted to show that situation through Raph.

Everyone else, thank you SO MUCH! I read all your reviews often and I appreciate them very much!


	4. Chapter 4

_"You_ _ **insufferable!**_ _–"_

 _Raph had immediately disappeared down the sewer tunnels, so instead of running after him, Leo took his suffocation and blurring mind and splitting heart and turned it on Splinter in a flash of rage, too quick for the other three to react. Splinter defended himself from the blow aimed at his head only marginally, enough for Leo to completely take him off his feet and send him careening backwards, and up to that moment, it was the most off-guard he'd ever caught his father before._

 _But he didn't care. Right now, he didn't care about the vile things he said or his violent behavior – he couldn't control a single ounce of it anyway; something snapped that had never been meant to break, and he was a storm of outrage. He fought Splinter like he'd never fought anyone else before, slinging furniture and attacking more like a feral tiger than a ninja, and Splinter struggled to defend himself._

 _"–_ _Unbelievable! – Two-faced! – MOTHERFUCKER!"_

 _Landing a hard kick to his father's torso with an angry grunt, he grabbed a chair as Splinter tumbled down and slung it with all his might, and it shattered into pieces as Splinter just barely managed to avoid it._

 _"LEONARDO!" Splinter managed to shout, but it was all he could get out before Leo was charging again. Splinter caught his son's fists, and they struggled for just a second as Leo growled in his face._

 _"Liar! Spouting bullshit and laying hands on my little brother! I'll teach you to ever lay another finger on him AGAIN!"_

 _Whatever response Splinter might've had was lost in the fumbling as the two wrestled onto the ground, kicking and punching and finally breaking apart again, and Splinter knocked over a lamp in deterrence as Leo lunged after him again, which he crushed as he bashed it aside._

 _"Leonardo, PLEASE! Just give me a moment to speak!" Splinter pleaded, a complicated mix of desperation, horror, panic and frustration on his face. He dodged around the media pit in an attempt to get some distance, but Leo flipped the TV and threw the stand it was sitting on, plowing ahead like a train._

 _"I think I've heard enough of your BULLSHIT!" Leo snarled, vaguely aware of Mikey and Donnie cowering by a far wall, watching the fight in terror, and the tiny ball trapped in his middle that still had any conscious awareness of what he was doing screamed louder to get the three of them out of this situation. He tackled Splinter again, and the two tumbled back down the steps of the media pit, Splinter having to retaliate to defend himself. They struggled onto and over the couch, ripping two cushions wide open in the process. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Trying to hurt his little brothers?! Dangerous to the team?! Getting people killed?! The only one here trying to hurt ANY of my little brothers is_ _ **YOU!**_ _"_

 _With this exclamation, Leo flipped out of a hold Splinter had on him and tried to elbow drop him into the floor, but with a grimace, Splinter caught Leo mid-attack with a kick to the plastron in a desperate attempt to get his bloodthirsty son away from him, and sent him tumbling across the floor. Without much time wasted, Leo got up with a scowl and launched back at Splinter, who hesitated after the last blow he'd landed on his son, and with all his strength, threw Splinter into the arcade machine, both crashing to the floor with thunderous noise._

 _Blinded with rage, he would've charged back in, but Donnie was suddenly there. "LEO!" He shouted, almost completely wrapped around his big brother from behind and trying to anchor him back, only slightly succeeding. "Leo, just LET HIM GO! That's enough! You're both gonna do something you'll REALLY regret!"_

 _Leo turned to look at Donnie as he dragged his little brother inches across the floor in their struggle, teeth bared like fangs. "SOMETHING I REGRET?! He took Raph and tore him down, and then he had the NERVE to strike him! He attacked him and chased him away! He's the ONLY one who's gonna regret-!"_

 _"LEO, STOP!" Donnie insisted, louder and angrier in a tone he almost never used with Leo – only when he was forced to. "I know! I know, but JUST STOP! You're not fixing anything!"_

 _Finally, Leo stopped pushing ahead like an angry bull, looking at Donnie with fuming frustration. He was right, as much as that made him want to punch something even harder. He wasn't going to fix anything like this._

 _Without warning, he grabbed Donnie's hand and started storming to the lair's exit, near where Mikey still was, only looking back at the little brother he dragged behind him once to communicate what his voice couldn't right now – 'We're leaving.' Donnie's alarmed expression turned a little more bitter than shocked, but he didn't protest. Mikey's face looked like a catatonic storm of emotion, and Leo was worried about his baby brother. Hurrying, he reached out and pulled Mikey to his chest, before trying to pull them both out of the lair._

 _Suddenly, though, Splinter was latched onto Mikey, and fresh anger flashed through Leo as he whipped toward their father, scowling._

 _"WAIT, my sons!–"_

 _Before anyone knew what was happening, Mikey was slugging Splinter off of him and yelling. Yelling, screaming, crying and breaking, and Leo's and Donnie's last nerve became a live wire._

 _"Don't you DARE touch me! I hate you! I_ _ **hate you!**_ _"_

 _Their was a mixture of anger, betrayal and despair on Mikey's face that neither older brother had ever seen before. Leo and Donnie grabbed Mikey at the same time, trying to squeeze him tight enough in their arms to make him better as he started sobbing, protecting him from Splinter._

" _You not done fighting?! Because we can fight! Or I can take your arm off, if you'd prefer that!" Leo raved, moving toward Splinter again, but Donnie locked his arms back around the older, holding him back and shielding Mikey between them. Donnie didn't have very kind words for their sensei himself – Splinter continued pleading for them to stay and listen to him, and Donnie contributed to the yelling and arguing his big brother was doing, both of them furious – but his oldest, composed big brother Leonardo had already cussed more today than he ever had in his life, and he was pulling forward like a hungry animal and threatening to amputate limbs off of their father, and at the moment, Donnie wasn't completely convinced Leo hadn't gone crazy enough to do it._

 _"I–!" Splinter stammered, looking up at them desperately. "_ _ **Please!**_ _Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello! I am_ _ **sorry!**_ _I–I–you do not understand. If I could just–"_

" _That's ok, Sensei." Donnie finally said, peering around Leo at his father. By now, Leo had them both in a tight grip as far behind himself as he could while still being able to yell at their sensei. They really needed to leave, and Donnie was exhausted – he'd had enough. "You can be as sorry as you want, but it doesn't really make a difference to the three of us. As for us, we don't care WHAT you are. But Raph needs us, and we're going to him."_

 _With the last bit of his energy drained, he dropped his head against Leo's chest with a tired sigh, and Leo was quickly hurrying out with the two of them. He lifted Mikey onto one shoulder in one arm and pulled Donnie along behind, practically running, and none were completely aware of how long they kept going or where they were headed, but none of them could really think clearly enough to figure it out._

 _Eventually, Leo found a safe place to stop and rest, curling into a large pipe with the two of them. Mikey was quiet, curled into himself as his tears rolled down his face, and Leo pulled him snuggly into his shoulder. When Donnie and Leo looked at each other, they must have realized at the same time that both their eyes were red and filled with tears; but Donnie didn't find out which one of them cracked first, because Leo was quickly pulling him tight enough into his other shoulder to bury him, rocking them both. Sniffling, Donnie wrapped around Mikey, and lost the lines between snuggling closer and falling asleep._

 _._

 _._

Raph's face was empty as his motorcycle roared, racing down the busiest highway of New York that would take him to the coastline warehouse he was headed to.

Traffic got lighter as he continued driving and the neighborhood got more dangerous, until he finally got off the main road and headed down the back roads, where there was no traffic at all. It remained like this for the better part of an hour as Raph drove north, deeper into uncharted territories of bankrupted businesses and abandoned buildings that concealed any number of gangs and crime.

As he went, he tried to formulate some kind of train of thought – at the very least, something that would help him _feel_ like he was really deep in a bad part of town, and figure out a plan for what he wanted to do – but he didn't have the energy to care about either. He looked blankly at his surroundings as he got closer to his destination, taking in the run-down streets and abandoned houses with no interest as he sped past.

 _"I don't even know what Shredder is trying to do, or who's actually involved, or in charge."_ Raph distantly thought. _"I just need to find out what's going on. They're killing people, and they just need to be stopped, immediately."_

Finally, a mile from the warehouse, the atmosphere turned a type of shady that he was at least familiar with, and he turned down the first subway entrance he saw to escape being spotted by any patrolling Foot or lackeys of Shredder's. Driving down a pair of staircases, he shut the engine off and hid the bike inside a small compartment room, making sure it couldn't be seen before knotting a broken chain around the door. From there, he headed back toward the Foot headquarters through the shadows.

Staying hidden and sneaking inside wouldn't be a problem for the trained ninja; however, Raph still paused outside in hesitation. There were just as many Foot here as the last location, so it was crowded. However, this particular hideout was much less obvious, and more well-guarded – he picked out at least three covert Foot with snipers hiding around the building. That meant, also, that he couldn't tell where the weapons and chemicals were, or what they were doing. Some part of the back of his brain started strategizing the amount of effort and risk it would take to find that out as he snuck closer.

It wasn't long before he found Tiger Claw again, standing outside the building, and he jerked further into hiding when he spotted him, hoping he wasn't seen. Tiger Claw was preoccupied, though, issuing orders to some Foot who subsequently ran off into the building.

 _"You again,"_ Raph thought, grimacing as he stared down at the tiger. _"What type of circus are you running, pissy old cat?"_

Tigerclaw stood oddly quiet for a moment, eyes closed and almost whimsical-looking, before turning and walked inside the building, and Raph snuck in after him.

Raph followed Tigerclaw from a long distance for about ten minutes, forced to hide in dark hallways and carefully sneak around corners as Tigerclaw made his way down some narrow corridors. Finally, he went through a door that opened into a larger room, and Raph followed through a few minutes later, immediately going to the rafters.

What he saw in the room made his heart jump, and didn't surprise him, at the same time. _The chemicals._ A good portion of them, anyway – as well as what remaining weapons they had, though more were in use this time around, rather than in boxes. A sad and unnerving reality hit Raph next - after what had just happened at the last base, the remaining Foot seemed more sharp, on edge and particularly irate, and Raph pulled his coat tighter around him and shrank back into the rafters a little, nervous.

Tigerclaw busied himself again ordering Foot around, setting up their chemical and weapons display for some purpose Raph couldn't figure out. _"This is the second time they're setting this up."_ Raph thought, scowling in deep thought. _"Clearly, the four of us interrupted some plans of theirs that they didn't get to execute last time. So now they're…."_

The word _execute_ gave him a deep, weirdly uncomfortable feeling, when the hostages from last time sprang to mind; and steadily, his stomach grew cold as his mind followed that train of thought to its conclusion.

 _"They didn't get to last time…..so…."_

He felt the blood drain from his face and his mind go static in reaction to the thought.

 _"They can't be….again."_

Suddenly, he forgot about trying to understand the weapons and chemicals, and had a new immediate objective – _look for new hostages;_ and as he backed away from the scene, starting to shiver and trying to mentally break the building down, one thought was at the forefront of everything – _why are they taking hostages, why, why, WHY?!_

Before he could make it anywhere, though, another familiar figure showed up, and Raph was suddenly sneering.

 _"Kraang."_

Tigerclaw, not looking particularly happy himself, stood at attention as the Kraang bot approached him, soon followed by others. Raph watched the exchange intently from the rafters. _"I might need to know this."_

There was a pause as the approaching Kraang stopped in front of Tigerclaw and looked around the building, surveying the weapons and chemicals. "The team that is lead by Tigerclaw has changed the location that is secret."

"Yes." Tigerclaw responded curtly, not looking very interested in having a long conversation with the bots. "The mission would have been sabotaged with the turtles knowing our location."

The bots turned to each other for a second and exchanged a few blips, in what Raph couldn't tell to be communication or just processing sounds. As hard as he tried to grasp and decode the situation, Raph was getting more confused by the second – as far as he knew, he and his brothers _had_ sabotaged whatever Tigerclaw had been trying to do last time, but clearly there was more to it that he needed to find out. And he couldn't tell what the Kraang were here for – last time he and his brothers defeated them, they sunk their only remaining pod from dimension X. They were still hunting down some remaining mutagen the Kraang released, but the most important parts of their tech had either been destroyed when their pod crashed, or Donnie took it. The few remaining Kraang here were all but powerless. They should've been. What did they want? The cold feeling in Raph's stomach grew.

"Several of the supplies were destroyed. The part of the plan that the one known as Shredder is responsible for is set to be complete in one week." The first Kraang rattled out, looking at Tigerclaw. "This is still the arrangement?"

Tigerclaw's not-particularly-happy looked deepened just ever so slightly, but his demeanor didn't change much besides that. "Of course." He responded. "…The new threat is ready for filming. The government will have a week to give admission to their nuclear supplies, after which we will supply them to you and Master Shredder will be expecting chemical M2."

Raph couldn't help but startle back at all the new information. _"Nuclear supplies…chemical M2? Shredder and the Kraang are working together…New threat…? Do they really have more hostages?!"_

His heart speeding up a mile a minute, shaking his head, he backed away again. He couldn't waste time again. He had to find out where they were before – _before –_ whatever they planned to do now. He only hoped it wasn't the same as last time.

Abruptly, the Kraang nodded, and without more than a demand to contact them when it was done, the small group turned to walk away. Instantly, what few Foot that weren't armed rushed to grab weapons and leave the room, and Tigerclaw's grim face was the last thing Raph glared at before hurrying to follow them all.

This time it was a room one floor below ground-level of the building. Raph followed a herd of Foot to it, silent and obscure as a shadow, watching them with sharp eyes. The rafters ended in the hallway leading to the room, and he had no choice but to find a vent to crawl into to get visualization of the room. Once inside, unable to breathe, he scrambled to the closest opening he could find, peering inside and feeling the pounding in his chest rattle in his head, not wanting to believe it.

He didn't immediately trust what he was seeing, even as he looked down at it. His heart lept into his throat, and he struggled to control the sudden nausea that struck him as he assessed the situation. _"One…two…three…four…five…six…"_ He counted off, gazing at the tightly-bound, blinded and gagged figures in a line of chairs in the center of the room. _"Seven…eight…nine…ten…eleven…twelve…thirteen."_

The barrel of a tank's cannon wasn't here this time, but there were more than enough armed Foot inside the room to compensate, which he darkly noticed stalked about behind the group, camera in position to watch.

 _"Thirteen."_ Raph swallowed dryly, fingers tightly gripping the hilts of his sais until they went tingly and numb, looking down with wide eyes. _"Now figure out what to do."_

Once again, Tigerclaw was nowhere to be found, leaving the dirty work up to the Foot lackeys – giving Raph better chances of working without being noticed. _He needed a plan._

Scrunching his eyes closed, he did his best to visualize his best options. He already had a hunch of what the execution was going to look like…and he didn't think it would do much good to jump down and get everyone aiming at him, instead. Besides, he was still hurt and his leg would hold him back. _Why do they keep taking hostages –_ no, he had no time to think, he dragged the panicked, cluttering thoughts out of his head with urgency. He needed something he could do without fighting – without showing himself –

He looked to the side, down into the dark ventilation shaft, toward the room's exit. _"I need a distraction."_

One of the Foot began speaking, and his head snapped back to the scene below him. One armed Foot member stood behind each hostage, and the one in the middle spoke to the camera. The horribly familiar scene sent ice through Raph's body, and he gritted his teeth. _"I need a distraction, now!"_

Silently, he raced back through the vent. _"I could – start another fight in a different room. Most of them are in there, so it shouldn't be – no, who am I kidding? They all have guns, they'll just have a clearer shot at me. I could – I could….dump those chemicals."_ He thought frantically. _"We need to get rid of those anyway. I wonder…if they're flammable…"_

Before he could finish that train of thought, his leg was suddenly on fire. Grunting, struggling not to cry out, he covered his mouth with one hand and laid down in the vent, checking his leg with the other. It was cramped up, pulsing with pain and burning horribly. _"I can't slow down!"_ Straining, each second feeling like a minute, he continued pulling himself through the vent. _"I can't lose…a second!"_

Bearing through the pain rippling through his whole body, he finally crawled out of the vent and made a mad break for it, shooting back to the rafters as soon as he got the chance and flying, each second ticking loudly in his skull, until he was back in the first room. Sweating and panting, he stopped himself on a sturdy wooden pillar and looked down toward the large chemical vats, which he saw just moments ago–

 _"They're gone."_

His throat closed up and his heart seemed to stop for a second. The chemicals were no longer in the room. _"All three of those huge vats…that take ten people to move, each…! You've gotta be fucking with me!"_

Jumping down into the empty room, he looked around wildly, only the empty weapons crates left. He put his hands to his head, almost crying in panic and voice breaking, scanning the room. "YOU'VE GOTTA BE FUCKING WITH ME!"

Wheeling around, he saw one thing alone that he could use – a spare rifle, sitting alone in a crate.

Mind racing, he ran to it and lifted it out, and immediately went to work trying to figure out how to use it, fiddling with everything with furious, shaking hands.

 _"I need to make sure it's loaded. Guns have safety locks…it needs to be cocked…what else…?!"_

It didn't take him long to get it working, and he discovered that by accidentally firing a shot into the ceiling, which nearly knocked him onto his backside. It was mostly already prepped for action, thanks to the Foot, and Raph counted his blessings in the back of the mind as he bolted back toward the dark underground room.

He didn't try to formulate some plan or wait until he'd made it back before he started firing off into the walls. It was the most he could do; he had no way of knowing if there was any time left – he could've already been too late. Screaming, he fired at everything in sight, racing through the hallways in a rampage, thoughts of a destroyed building and a red room welling his eyes up with tears.

 _"Please tell me I'm not too late…Please tell me…Please."_

He quickly gained the attention of the Foot, because it wasn't long before his gunfire was being returned and the ninja were racing toward him. Raph quickly turned and sped away from them, forced to run to defend himself from both bullets and shuriken.

 _"This isn't all of them."_ Raph thought anxiously, looking back at them as they chased him, firing up into the rafters where he was running. _"This isn't everybody. Maybe half. They're not taking the bait. I need to lose these guys…I need to go back down there and…!"_

Mid-run, his leg suddenly cramped up, momentarily paralyzing his whole body in pain.

"AUHG!" Raph cried out, tumbling down from the rafters and crashing to the floor in a thunder of noise and shattered boxes. He was immediately swimming through gunfire again, and he scrambled away, continuing the mad dash away from the Foot.

 _"Damnit…damnit…damnit!"_ Raph gritted his teeth, trying not to cry in pain as he ran, weaving through rooms and hallways. He'd already become disoriented about where he was in the building. He couldn't jump back into the rafters anymore, and without a good place to hide, the Foot stayed on his tail. _"DAMNIT! What do I do?! I need to get down there…I need to get away from these guys!"_

 _If he'd had his brothers, maybe he could save these people. If he wasn't alone, if he hadn't fucked everything up._

 _These people might die because he's all alone._

 _But he's alone now, and he's GOTTA SAVE THESE PEOPLE–_

Rounding a corner, he hobbled in pain and exhaustion for the few seconds he had before they caught up again.

 _"Damn leg!"_

Cutting through rooms and bolting down hallways, Raph was quickly running out of energy. His heart raced faster than it needed to as he ran, panicking more and more with every second. Swinging around, he fired at the mob a few times in an attempt to lose them, which they deftly avoided each time, until he finally found a staircase leading back down.

Not bothering to use the stairs, Raph jumped over the guardrail and hit the floor below, collapsing over his good leg and rolling hard onto his shell, groaning in pain before quickly jumping into the shadows of a nearby doorway and dashing down the hall before the Foot knew which way he went.

Finally…some headway. Raph scowled, pushing his body to keep running hard as he raced back toward the underground room. He heard shouting all around him, and he couldn't tell if it was just the Foot looking for him or if there was a loud commotion underground too, and he didn't know what that would mean. _"Come on, Raph, faster!"_

"The intruder is one of the turtles."

Raph's head shot up just to see a large group of metallic bodies with purple weapons running toward him, and there was a half-second before they started firing and Raph leapt into an adjacent hallway, dodging them.

"AH–" Skidding over his bad leg, he tumbled before starting to run again. He was only a hallway away. He had to get back to that room! But the previous cramp in his leg was quickly fighting to seize his whole body, and he was reduced to a painful limp as the massive cramp ran up his midsection.

 _"Damnit….damnit…!"_ He gritted his teeth in a pained wince, forcing himself onward along the wall away from the pounding feet catching up to him, trying with all his might not to throw up and blinking away watery eyes in frustration. _"There's no…time…to be…"_

The muffled sound of a woman shrieking in a room below him struck his ears, and it jolted all the nerves in his body like he'd been shocked. _"They're still alive. They're still alive,"_ The words echoed in the back of his head. Some part of his distraction had worked – he must've held up the process, at least by a little bit. But it wasn't just a woman – more people were shrieking. _What was happening down there?_

The Kraang quickly caught up and fired again, and knowing he wouldn't last much longer running away, he grit his teeth and turned to face them instead, pulling both sai out from behind his jacket and charging with a furious scream and a rush of new energy, taking the bots off-guard.

Before the Kraang realized he was attacking, he managed to take down the leading group, destroying ten bots. But more came after, and he decided to use his head-start to try to get to the room. However, just as he turned to run, one of the Kraang managed to get a shot at him, hitting him in the arm with its blaster.

Crying out, Raph collapsed over, rolling and scrambling into the nearest room, trying to avoid more blaster fire. The blast wound effectively knocked him out of the little balance and energy he had left. "Fuck!" Raph growled to himself, panting anxiously and angrily as he stumbled and backed against a wall, holding his scorched arm still steaming with heat from the blaster fire, jacket sleeve ripped where he started bleeding from the wound. The room had no other entrances or exits, and Kraang were quickly filling in through the one across from him. Angrily waving his gun at them, Raph pulled the trigger, but it clicked uselessly, empty. Throwing the weapon behind him, he aggressively wielded his sai as he huddled against the wall, fully aware that even in good shape, this amount of Kraang would've been a struggle to take down. The robots surrounded him, all aiming blasters, and all Raph could do was huddle in on himself, trying to protect as much as he could.

"What are you after?!" Raph suddenly yelled, grimacing and wielding his sai threateningly in front of him, but clearly injured and backed against the wall. They actually seemed to hesitate at his outburst, as if in confusion. "What do you want?!" Raph yelled again, trying his best to vocalize his anger and sound threatening, but his voice wavering in exhaustion. "Why are you taking hostages?! What are you trying to accomplish?!"

In unison, the Kraang raised their blasters to Raph, and he flinched back. However, they held their blasters steady, as if waiting for some kind of command, and one Kraang droid walked to the front of the mob. Raph noticed this one, evidently some commander of sorts, was dual-wielding Kraang guns and a rifle strapped across its back, and his heart sank. The Kraang stopped in front of him, and Raph jumped when it swung the rifle into its hands, panting heavier.

 _"I don't wanna die,"_ He thought, his mind starting to spin with desperate, rapid-fire ideas as he struggled to get his battered body ready to charge out through the mob. _"I can't die here. Those people need me. If I die, my brothers will…! I'm scared, I don't wanna die! Leo, Mikey, Donnie…Leo, help me…!"_

The Kraang commander slightly tilted its head. "The turtle known as Raphael is alone." It stated, staring at Raph with its empty purple eyes. Raph stared back, an odd silence spanning between the two and settling over the room.

"The team that is the turtles finally sent the one known as Raphael away?" It said, and Raph suddenly felt like he was choking. "Kraang is surprised it took so long."

He didn't know when it started, but Raph suddenly realized he was shaking. Screams of the people in the room below reached his ears again, and he went a little more rigid, hearing his heart pounding in his ears. _Everyone was screaming. Blaster fire was going off. The Kraang were in the room with the hostages, doing whatever it was the Foot had been trying to._

The Kraang in front of Raph swung the rifle at his head, making him flinch back. Sweat rolled down his face, staring into the barrel.

 _"I've gotta…I've gotta run–get to them–"_ Trying to get up made his leg scream in pain, and all he could do was fall back again with a pained grunt, making the mob of Kraang around him step closer. Trembling in pain, frustrated tears started leaking out of Raph's eyes, and he lifted his sai in despair, angrily thrashing them while knowing full well that anything he did was completely useless.

" _WHY!_ " He screamed, his voice painfully reverberating in his raw throat, an echo of everything breaking inside him. "WHY DON'T YOU AT LEAST PICK A FIGHT WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN FIGHT BACK! _YOU PIGS! YOU FUCKING COWARDS!_ "

 _He was completely useless. He couldn't save a single person. HE'D FAILED–_

The Kraang droid aiming the rifle at him knocked the barrel into his forehead, knocking Raph backwards and shutting him up. Gritting his teeth, Raph froze in his attempt to push himself up when the Kraang pressed the muzzle against his forehead, holding him down.

"Kraang has no need to tell you of Kraang's plan of experimentation." It said, and Raph swore the droid was staring back at him. "Kraang has no use for a stray dog the likes of Raphael. Lay down."

Raph only had a fraction of a second to close his eyes and send up his last prayer. _"Leo…Donnie…Mikey…dad…I love–"_

There was a loud explosion that deafened his ears.

The entire room rocked, and momentarily Raph thought he'd been killed and his ghost was experiencing his body collapsing, and he didn't dare open his eyes out of terror. Soon, though, after several seconds and with the continued sensation of pain in his body, it became evident that he was still very much alive. _Though, if he didn't move he might not be much longer –_ a voice in the back of his head was telling him. Opening his eyes, he realized pieces of the ceiling in the room had fallen, and the building was quickly collapsing.

 _"What–?"_ Raph quickly scrambled to the wall behind him for support. All the Kraang around him had either fallen over or couldn't stay upright in the shaking building. His brain scrambled for a moment trying to understand what had happened, but soon decided he wouldn't ever know if he didn't get out _right now._

Having new adrenaline in his body, he leapt over the Kraang in the room and quickly dashed out as pieces of the ceiling started crumbling.

Directly outside the room, he was torn for a second on which way to go. He knew the way out, _though he probably needed to find a quicker way right now,_ but–what about the people downstairs?–He at least needed to check–

The building rocked with another explosion, and walls started falling around him. _No time…_

Running as fast as he could go, Raph bolted down hallways and over rubble he didn't recognize until he went through a previously-closed hallway that now had a hole in the wall, snapped pipes protruding through it. He wasn't sure he'd fit, but he knew he wasn't going to make it to the exits he knew of. _The building was coming down fast now, he had to go through there!_ Jumping up, he squeezed halfway through the hole, having to kick and push around the sharp pipes the rest of the way. Just as he made it through, a final explosion shook everything, and what was left of the building virtually fell like it had been a sandcastle.

.

Somehow, he managed to escape. Despite everything, he couldn't help the massive sense of relief that came over him when he found a fire escape nearby, which was _just_ close enough for him to jump to. Lucky, since if it weren't there, he probably would've fallen to his death with the building.

Still too frightened to stay still, he kept climbing until he reached the top of the building, the only point at which he turned around to look at the collapsed one. For the first few moments, it was just a massive cloud of dust that covered the area and would've been indistinguishable except for the fires starting to rise out of it.

Raph could only stare at it for a while in numb shock, barely registering the distant sound of sirens. Processing what had happened was a confusing, and equally excruciating, process. _He hadn't caused that explosion._ He'd thought about making one, but hadn't found anything to do it with. No – _no –_ he was the only one in there that could have done that, and he was cornered by the Kraang. So what – _did the Foot do it?_ No – they wouldn't have crushed themselves. Surely they would've known – _was everyone crushed?_ The people – _the people…where…the people…_ Raph finally sank to his knees as he watched the fires grow, feeling like he hadn't escaped the building at all. Surely…

Red, flashing lights finally caught his attention from the corner of his eye, and he looked over to see an ambulance that had already arrived with several others not far behind. Confused, he watched the scene until he saw the first man – _one of the hostages –_ being lifted into the ambulance by a medical team. _He'd gotten out._ But how? There hadn't been any exits…no, there was no way Raph knew of that they could've escaped. Unless there'd been some secret tunnel, or – but he doubted that. Now, as he kept watching and other ambulances arrived, he saw the rest of the hostages exiting through the smoke of the rubble; some walking, some stumbling, and some being carried on stretchers. But Raph counted until – 13 – he assured that they were all there.

 _"They all got out."_ Raph thought, staring silently at the scene below in awe, not having the answers or the energy to understand how, concluding to figure it out later. A grievous, gut-wrenching feeling settled deep in his insides as he watched, feeling sick and sorrowful at the same time. Some of them looked really bad.

Noticing movement to his left, he snapped his attention to the building next to him where Tigerclaw suddenly jumped up, looking a little worse for wear himself; Raph tensed, his thoughts suddenly racing again through whether he could still run or whether he'd be able to even try to fight off the tiger right now. Clearly noticing the turtle, Tigerclaw perched there, the moon behind him casting an eery shadow.

Though the mutant seemed surprised to see Raph, he didn't pick up any hostility from the tiger. More of an aloof feeling, like Tigerclaw has other business to take care of. Clearly, what they'd both evidently just been through took enough out of both of them. Though, Raph had to question where Tigerclaw had to be after something like this, and why his injuries and torn clothes and the ashes covering his fur seemed to be the least of his concerns.

"What do you want?" Raph suddenly found himself asking, and didn't have his senses about him to wonder what he was saying, or why he was asking the bigger mutant. "Why are you doing this?"

Tigerclaw didn't answer right away, and there were several moments of silence when Raph thought he might leave. But Tigerclaw turned and looked down at the cloud and the burning rubble with Raph for a few minutes, and then finally responded.

"You and your brothers are always sticking your muzzles where they don't belong." The mutant graveled out, sounding just a little amused, but mostly very tired. "I suppose I should've guessed."

Raph scowled, opening his mouth in preparation to repeat his question, but Tigerclaw cut him off by standing and turning to leave, but not before shooting another tense look in Raph's direction.

There was a heavy moment of silence during which Raph felt, for some reason, like he should shut up. Tigerclaw's ear twitched, contemplating something, but he held the intense stare until he finally spoke again.

"I have no grudge with you or your brothers, Raphael." Tigerclaw said, his eyes echoing a foreboding gleam from the moon behind him. "You know not what you're dealing with, nor who; and your enemies are stronger than you think. You and your brothers would be best advised to keep your distance and not interfere, or else get killed, cub."

Turning, Tigerclaw paused one last time before glancing back at Raph, and something about his look was different this time – lighter. "I am not a fan of those Kraang, myself. Thank you for your interruption."

With that, Tigerclaw turned and leapt down from the building. Raph shouted after him, but the mutant was long gone, slipping away through the shadows.

Raph couldn't clear any of his confusion, but he almost didn't feel like he was supposed to right now. _He didn't want to right now._ He put all his effort into climbing down the building without being seen by any of the people or increasing emergency responders, and as soon as his feet touched the ground, he quickly slipped away through the shadows. He stumbled frantically – the best he could do right now, in leu of running – until he found his bike; and in a panic, released it from its prison and brought it roaring to life, racing back through the city at speeds that definitely weren't safe.

.

.

The three brothers were huddled up on April's couch, locked tightly together in an anxiety-ridden lump, none of them being able to let go of each other and only getting fitful sleep through the night, but having been too exhausted to keep looking.

Mikey stirred, waking up for maybe the twentieth time that night. He looked at his brothers' faces, and his own fell at the subtly painful expressions they wore in their sleep. Sighing, he didn't think he'd be able to get back to sleep, so he shifted to get up, immediately getting a response from Leo, who rubbed his eyes and transmitted a wordless question with an inquisitive look.

Suddenly, oddly unable to meet Leo's eyes, Mikey instead dropped his head into Leo's shoulder, not trusting the look on his face anymore and hiding it. Leo didn't need an explanation, though, and put his hand over the back of his head and gave him a nuzzle. A few somber minutes passed them by as they looked out a dark window in the wall across from them on the couch, not knowing what to do but knowing the heaviness in their chests would probably have the three of them up soon.

.

.

Raph's mind was racing, but he didn't know with what. His thoughts were coming and going too fast for him to see what they were; or maybe he was just in a daze. In shock. He had no idea; he didn't really care. He just had to get back to his tunnel, because he didn't feel safe…

 _Nothing felt safe anymore. He was scared._ He intuitively knew that, somewhere in the back of his head. When he realized it, his eyes leaked tears and his hands trembled on the bike's handlebars. He wanted to go home, but it wasn't safe there for him anymore. He wanted his dad, and Mikey, and Donnie, and Leo. He wanted Leo. _He was scared, and everything hurt. Everything hurt…_

When he got back into the theater district a while later, where people thinned out and disappeared again, the sky was just starting to turn red again with the morning sun. Emergency vehicle lights caught his eye, and he had to come to an abrupt stop in front of a store displaying ambulances and fire trucks on TVs through the glass storefront.

.

.

Soon after all the brothers had gotten up, April heard them moving around and had gotten up herself to make some coffee and find something to make all of them for breakfast. She absently turned on the TV as she went by it, displaying boring morning stories from some newscasters. Maybe the quiet noise would be a welcome distraction from the heavy silence in the room…

Leo was in the kitchen, trying to help with breakfast, while Donnie sat at a dining room table near the couch, trying not to fall back asleep and sipping on a cup of coffee. Mikey sat on the couch, knees pulled up in front of himself and arms wrapped around them, holding the remote and watching the news without paying any attention. Trying to work out what was in his mind. Where and when they should look next…how long they could wait…why Raph wouldn't think he…why he wouldn't…

The newscasters suddenly switched to a new story, and when Mikey noticed, it struck him like he'd been shocked.

He slowly got up off the couch, taking a few steps closer to the TV and catching Donnie's attention. Staring at the burning building on the screen.

.

.

"-A massive fire at an abandoned warehouse deep in dangerous Northside neighborhood." The news anchor was saying, and Raph watched numbly. Footage of the scene showed lingering survivors still being tended to by ambulance teams in the background. "Already believed to be related to another explosion a few days ago…"

A short clip of a man in a hospital bed appeared, described as one of the many victims that had "mysteriously" been in the building and was hospitalized in critical condition, still bloody and unconscious. What few citizens that were out in the theater district at this hour had started gathering around the TVs Raph was watching from the street and others nearby, and were exclaiming in shock and horror at the scenes. Two victims were announced as having died from their injuries already, and Raph's hands fell from the bike handles, running out of strength to hold his head up.

"-Interview with one of the victims from the previous incident, which involved a hostage situation."

Opening his eyes again, Raph slowly looked back up at the screens, shock, dread and horror stirring together in the pit of his stomach.

.

.

His brothers knew that neighborhood, and – probably – that building. Shredder kept one of his bases there, but the team had rarely been there. Actually, more like, Leo never let them go there, if he could help it. There was a conspiratorial but well-known theory that the government performed and hid corrupt practices there, on top of the ex-convicts and gangs more threatening than the Purple Dragons who lived there and the shady business that frequently occurred, not to mention Shredder's well-protected but less-often used base for secret activities. It was excruciatingly dangerous, and now it was a mountain of rubble up in flames…

The anchor introduced someone new, and her face appeared on the screen. Immediately, he froze, dropping the remote to the floor. He had a strong sensation that he was going to be sick.

"Mikey?" Donnie asked in concern, finally getting up to walk over. The other two in the kitchen heard and Leo trotted out to see what was wrong, April close behind.

.

.

"You said you had information about two men you encountered during your traumatizing experience." The anchor gently addressed the lady by way of explanation, and Raph stared in disbelief, eyes slowly growing wider.

"Yes!" The woman exclaimed. The woman that had survived. The _only_ person that had survived.

 _The woman he and Mikey had saved!_

"Oh, it was terrible!" The woman cried out, horrified. "When they had us all tied up, everyone started shooting. I don't know what happened, w-what was going on. But then these two men – these _men–_ " She closed her eyes for a few seconds, overwhelmed. "They _attacked me._ Th-they had been talking about a demonstration, and I thought maybe they'd decided to keep going, despite whatever was happening. All I could think of was them moving down the line after me. I-it was so scary! They almost killed me!"

The anchor said something else, but Raph couldn't hear. Everyone else was turning into a roar, except the woman.

.

.

Mikey stood and stared, shocked. Numb. Color draining from his face.

All he could feel was the blood beginning to boil in the center of his stomach. He couldn't clearly identify any emotions he thought should be there; outrage, horror, nausea, or any of the things swimming in his middle – like his mind was separated from his body somehow. He was still trying to believe what he was seeing and hearing. He clenched both fists and they began to tremble, and his approaching family members hesitated. Worried, saying something, looking at the TV, but he couldn't hear them.

Was he hearing this right?... _Was he hearing this woman right?..._ This woman… _this…_

.

.

"-Footage recovered….camera that was found…"

Raph vaguely heard the anchor go on before the image switched to grainy footage of a dark room that looked like a fight scene out of a gang movie, gunfire going off everywhere. A single lamp hanging in the middle of the room. _A row of hostages, far away. Dark-clothed people with guns, slipping in and out of view._

Mikey and Raph appeared in the view of the camera. It was too far away and the room was too dark to see them clearly, but defining features stood out. Their masks; the shape of their shells; their weapons. It was only a few more seconds before some rubble collapsed over the camera, obscuring everything from view, and the footage stopped, going back to the shot of Raph and Mikey.

"That's them!" The woman exclaimed, seeming to be trying to point at them from her own view as the TV changed back to the double-screen of her and the anchor. "They called each other Raph and Mikey. They both had on these big backpacks and were using these weird weapons. The one named Raph wore a red cloth around his face, and Mikey wore an orange one. They attacked me – I thought I was going to die! But somehow I managed to get free from my bindings to the chair, and I was able to escape. I think they work for the same people that kidnapped everyone. Oh, it was horrible finding out that…they both have to be caught before they kill anyone else!"

The anchor said something brief after her and thanked her for sharing her experience.

"When am I getting my benefits?" The woman demanded in reply. "They told be I'd get pay– _HEY!_ " A weird scuffle happened on her side, during which a security-looking person stepped in view to block her from view, and the camera's image moved and blurred. For the last few seconds they were on air, Raph could hear the woman's distant voice. " _They promised I'd be–_ "

Her side of the screen cut out, leaving only the news anchor, who continued on without any acknowledgment of her disruption at the end. The little crowds watching around the TVs didn't seem to pay any attention to it anyway, focusing on the story. Raph, however, couldn't hear the story anymore. He could barely hear anything, other than his racing heart beating thunderously in his ears.

Suddenly feeling very exposed, he grabbed the metal ends of his sai hanging out the bottom of his jacket, as if he could hide them that way. He shook uncontrollably every time he moved, but he ignored it, nervously glancing around. Grimacing, he hit the gas hard and his bike roared off.

.

.

The interview with the woman ended, and at first Mikey didn't react. His brothers and April were watching the TV and asking him increasingly anxious questions, and he thought Leo had already made the same realization about the burning building on TV as he had.

His first reality check was when Donnie's words finally made their way to him.

"Mikey, please answer me! Why are you crying?!" He asked desperately, looking afraid to grab Mikey and jar him out of whatever was happening, and only then did Mikey notice the tears streaming down his face. Leo's head snapped away from the TV in his direction, but Mikey's tunnel-vision was still set on the TV.

Then, the volcano of rage building in his stomach erupted, and he screamed, lunging at the TV. He only managed to grab it, like he thought he was going to crush it in his hands, before Donnie just barely managed to grab him around the middle and stop him, quickly followed by Leo.

"THAT BITCH! _THAT FUCKING BITCH!_ WE SAVED YOUR SORRY FUCKING ASS _AND YOU – YOU SORRY FUCKING BITCH!_ " He wailed, still murderously going after the TV, and it took Donnie hauling him backwards like a ship anchor and Leo locked around his front to keep him away from it. April stood out of the way, looking terrified and confused, but not interfering. Not trying to stop Mikey.

Now the rest of his avalanche of twisted feelings came crashing through, and sobs laced Mikey's screaming, and he did all he could to not vomit. His chest felt like it was collapsing from the inside out and…oh God… _oh God._

" _WE SAVED YOUR FUCKING LIFE!"_ Mikey wailed, choking, clawing at the air in front of him, vision blurring with his tears. "WE RISKED EVERYTHING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, _WE WATCHED EVERYONE DIE TRYING TO SAVE ALL OF YOU,_ AND WE SAVED YOU…. _ONLY YOU_ … _!_ " Screaming, he lashed out and kicked something, and heard some piece of furniture topple beside them. "THEY ALL DIED. WE WENT THROUGH SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS. WE SACRIFICED THE WHOLE MISSION. _WE LOST RAPH! WE LOST EVERYTHING!_ _ **AND ALL YOU WANT IS PITY AND MONEY!**_ "

At that point, all he could do was scream. He screamed and thrashed and cried, yelling expletives at the woman that wasn't there, until he was out of strength and knew it was pointless. Collapsing against Leo, he sobbed into his shoulder, and their group of three slowly sank to the floor. His older brothers were both crying, too, holding onto him tightly, and Leo's arms trembled. He wrapped around them both, and the angry heat Mikey felt in his chest and the way his oldest brother stubbornly faced away from the TV made him think that maybe Leo might've gone after it himself, if he weren't here instead.

April raced to the group and kneeled down beside them, putting an anxious hand on Mikey's head. Mikey turned to look at her, and she didn't say anything; only giving him a serious, devastated look, her own tears streaking down her face.

"April…" He croaked weakly, breaking down into a sob, and she leaned her head in close to his.

"Oh, Mikey…" She held his head to hers in a hug and sat there with them, crying in the newly quiet room washed in the red light of morning.

.

.

Raph raced across town until he got to his secret hideout, and went as far up the tunnels as he could with his bike – much farther than he had before, through unstable tunnels and around broken pieces in the floor, until he got to the edge of it from which he'd have to jump onto a pipe up to his hideout tunnel. Instead, he retrieved his cigarettes and came back to lay down on the floor, laying his bike on top of himself. His fingers trembling almost too much to use, fumbling the pack open and lit a cigarette, and started blasting music from his bike, closing his eyes. Anything. _Anything that could drown it all out right now, that could rescue him from it._ He turned the music up as loud as he could and felt the vibrations of it rip through his insides – _so he couldn't feel the way everything inside of him felt like it was crumbling, the way his chest felt like it was collapsing, couldn't hear his voice screaming in his head._ He sucked in as much of the cigarette smoke as he could, using it up in just a few minutes, but it wasn't helping. _It wasn't enough._ The inside of his head burned and felt like it was falling apart, and his whole body shook and he couldn't catch his breath. He needed something – _anything –_ to take it away, drown it out, stop him from feeling it all, save him from it, _God damnit_ – alcohol, drugs – _he didn't care anymore, he'd take any of it, he needed something._

Tears ran down his face. _"Mikey. Donnie. Leo. Leo, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."_

The woman's face ran through his mind again, and he started screaming, every one of his sick emotions and feelings burying him alive - anger, horror, despair, terror, disbelief, sickness, the ache in his whole body from missing his brothers, his confusion and frustration with what was going on, his worry about the situation with his dad, _everything_. He screamed until his raw throat gave out and his voice died, and it wasn't until later that he was leaning over the edge of the tunnel, throwing up.

* * *

Chapter song: Lund - Low

fireworksinthenight: Thank you for your continued support! Seeing your reviews makes me so happy! :) To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out this Splinter myself, but my intention isn't to make him evil or unforgivable. I still love Rat Dad, after all. (ALSO, I literally just realized that I'd snooped out your channel on AO3 at some point and opened your story What You Always Wanted to read later, which I am reading right now, and I LOVE IT AND I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL STORY! Bro fluff gives me life and I devour every word of it that I can find :D)

Heyitsbren: Thank you so much, and thanks for your patience with this story!

Thanks as well to everyone else reading and following! I wouldn't have the inspiration to write without y'all. But boiyo sorry for the long waits between chapters. I don't always have motivation to write, and I'm going through the annoying process of attending school and trying to find a better job while figuring out where to move to, so it takes me a while. I'm also still working on The Leaderless Mission, which several people have asked me about.

Raph really needs his bros. :(


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